xoalynx, Author at xo, alix

April 2, 2022

On Love and Loss

I lost my dad to alcoholism in 2017 at age 27. While it’s something that I’ve processed, grieved over, and accepted, I would be lying if I said it didn’t still hurt. Truth be told, I don’t think it will ever not hurt. I think the death of a parent, especially one that’s sudden, is something that turns your world inside out and upside down and you’re just never quite the same after that. It’s like a hole in your heart that you just learn to live with. I’ve never opened up about this this much before, but in recent times, I’ve learned that what helps me heal the most is not only writing, but sharing my stories in hopes of helping others, too.

I spent my entire childhood not knowing he was sick with this disease because it was something that was well masked from not only myself and my younger brother, but from everyone outside our immediate family, too. I do think that deep down I inherently knew something was off from a very young age. I was never close with any of my family members and spent a lot of my time instead either alone in my bedroom reading tons of books, or off with my friends. I think that’s why that aside from my close friendship with my brother, I consider my chosen relationships, both romantic and friendships, to be the strongest bonds I have with other people. I really do abide by the whole “friends are family” notion.

I don’t have any anger nor do I blame anyone over that. Everyone was just doing their best and what they thought was right for us during that time. Besides, he was also functioning. He was a great dad. He built us our own double-decker custom playhouse in the backyard, an ice skating rink in the winter, picked us up from school, and showed up without even questioning me when I called him at 22 because I had found a mouse in my car and didn’t know what to do. He was the best dad he could have been to the best of his abilities.

It wasn’t until my parents got divorced when I was around 23 when the truth really came out. Looking back on the random incidents that happened when I was growing up, it made total sense that he had been struggling. Coming home to finding him “sleeping” on the living room floor. Finding him passed out in the bathroom in the middle of the night when I had to go. Witnessing my mom giving him the cold shoulder seemingly all the time, as if there were some underlying reason why she resented him so much but I never did understand why.

When he moved out of our childhood home after the divorce, it got even worse. He had also had major hearing loss after years spent working in construction, had extreme vertigo and a cochlear implant that permanently and extremely distorted his ability to hear normally, which I know sank him even further into a deep depressive state. I can’t imagine to this day what losing such an integral part of your existence, your ability to hear, must be like.

I recently read an account of another person who lost his own father to alcoholism in his twenties, and he talked about how when you live with a parent who’s got this disease, that you almost start grieving them before they pass away because you slowly see them deteriorating in front of your eyes and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. I’ve never heard anyone explain it this way but he absolutely nailed it. That’s exactly what it’s like.

I did try, many times. Nothing I did worked. During that time, I was flustered and felt helpless, but I’ve been able to forgive myself, because when people don’t truly want to help themselves, no matter how much they need it, they won’t accept it. That’s something I came to terms with a long time ago, and it’s what helped give me a sense of peace when he passed away, because the guilt that naturally came from that was so, so real.

My only other sibling, my younger brother, was only 22 at the time. Since my parents were divorced, it was on just him and I to handle the aftermath of his death, to see to it that his affairs were handled how he had expressed he had wanted them to be in the past. To see to it that his ashes were scattered exactly where he wanted them to be. Twenties are far too young an age for anyone to have to go through that. If there’s any one instance I can pinpoint that made me grow up immediately, it was that.

While I have long ago forgiven him, because I know that he was struggling with his own inner demons that I’ll never know about; a disease that I’ll never truly understand that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, I still do sometimes have all kind of feelings that come up when I think about him. Feelings that I’m not necessarily proud of.

Anger, for not having the kind of Dad I thought I should have had – that any child should have had. Resentment, despite knowing he had a disease, for being selfish enough to choose to drink his problems away instead of facing them (I also know that therapy was probably unheard of for his generation during that time). Extreme sadness, for not being around to see how awesome his kids are doing, knowing that he would be so damn proud of us both (before he passed away, he did tell me that he supported my decision to do adult work, because as long as I was happy, that’s all that mattered). Even more sadness over the fact that he’ll never be able to meet important people in my life like my significant other, and later in life, my own children. That he’ll never be able to live into old age and experience all the wonderful gifts that life has to offer.

If there’s any sort of silver lining to be had from this experience, it’s the fact that it changed my perspective on life and love forever. It made me open my eyes to what my true priorities were in life, and what truly matters. Family, keeping the company of good people, inner peace, living a full life, health and wellness…all of it. I stopped partying. I got really serious about wellness; not just physical health but mental as well. I started meditating, prioritizing a healthy lifestyle, focusing on how I could be of further service to the world, and how I could help lift up and inspire others around me. I stopped hyper-focusing on materialistic stuff and starting instead looking inward and focusing on how I could be a better person from the inside out, not just to myself but to the people in my life.

I see a lot of him in me, too. I’ve got his strong jawline (YAY). I’ve got his quiet and kind demeanor. I’ve got his dry sense of humor. Oh, do I have that! I’ve got his “wild child” streak with a love for all things fast, like boats, ATVs and rollercoasters. Knowing I’ll carry these little things with me throughout my life makes me happy.

If you’ve lost a parent, especially one to addiction, I see you. I feel you. I love you. The way I see it, you get to carry your lost loved ones with you for the rest of your life and experience the world through your own eyes, together. And, the way I see it, living your life in a way that would make them so proud is the biggest act of not only self-love, but way to honor them, that you can give to yourself.

xo, alix

February 15, 2022

This is What I Would Tell Any Woman Looking to Get Into Adult Work

First off, let me preface this by assuming that by reading this, you are at least 18 years old. If you’re not, stop what you’re doing and exit out of this post. And if you are at least 18, keep on reading.

I’ve been in the adult entertainment business since 2012, where I started off as a webcam model and started doing full-on scenes in 2014. Looking back, I was really flying by the seat of my pants and figuring things out along the way, one day and one step at a time. My entire career has been this way, and I’ve not only had a fuckload of real-life, firsthand experience in the ‘biz, but I’ve also been fortunate enough to receive some incredibly kickass advice from industry veterans who believe in paying it forward just as much as I do.

Because when you get into the business (when I say “business” here, I’m primarily speaking to women who want to be an adult film star, and/or want to be an Onlyfans/fan site model producing adult content)…nobody tells you anything. Like, you will learn along the way. If you ask enough of the right people, you’ll gather a ton of valuable wisdom, tools and tips to take with you throughout your career. But it still shocks the hell out of me when I chat with random ladies online and hear stuff like, “I just want to make quick money online and not have anybody find out,” or “Onlyfans is easy money, all I have to do is get naked and people will pay big”…etc. (Neither of these are generally true, P.S.).

Here’s my best advice for women who are seriously considering getting into the adult entertainment industry. I’m neither advocating for it, nor am I telling you not to do it. Take this info and do with it what you will. Because the way I see it? Knowledge is power and it’s always best to be as informed as possible, especially before making such a big life-changing decision.

Everyone you know will find out. Literally everyone. You know why? Because most people watch porn, regardless of how prudish they may seem in real life. Trust me, most people are fucking freaks in one way or another behind closed doors. It’s human nature! In 2020, Pornhub reported the site got 130 million hits PER DAY. Your family. Your friends. Your elementary school teacher. Your old soccer coach. Your coworkers from that fast food place you worked at in high school. In the Information Age, aka the world we’re living in right now where everyone and their great grandmothers are using the internet, it’s never a matter of if these people will find out, but when. Plan accordingly.

Your entire life will be affected forever. Now, this isn’t a bad thing or a good thing. It just is. It’s 2022. Lots of people have sex tapes. Lots of people have Onlyfans. I personally think people are more open minded now when it comes to sex than ever before. Like, helloooo…it’s the reason why we all exist. You gotta pause and think about what you want your life to look like in 5, 10, 15 years from now. If you plan on doing porn and then being a school teacher, it’s not going to happen. If, however, you plan on doing adult work, stacking your cash, investing it, opening businesses, having rental properties, etc…basically taking full control over your future, that’s a completely different story.

There is stigma. The funny thing about this is, people in the adult industry are, for the most part, pretty fucking great. They’re open minded, non judgmental, secure with themselves, and are just overall cool humans. The stigma and weird judgy-ness doesn’t come from this crowd. It comes from other people (“civilians,” as performers call people who aren’t in the industry). People who have weird ass, convoluted views on sex and sexuality. People who grow up in environments that say sex is bad and carry that baggage with them through adulthood. People who are insecure over empowered women making a living off of the body they were born with while they slave away at a shitty desk job they hate. The list goes on. That said, while stigma does exist, it really depends who you’re involved with. Personally, I don’t fuck with anyone who’s weird and judgy like this. And if I happen to encounter it in my life, I don’t take it personally, because I know that other people’s opinions on this matter are not only usually false (so many people think porn sets are coke-fueled orgies when they’re wildly mundane and professional), but also come from their own limiting beliefs they’re projecting outwards that have literally nothing to do with me.

You have to treat it like a business. Assuming you’re going into this to be a model and earn a living vs. exploring your exhibitionist side as a fun hobby, it’s crucial that you treat it as a business. That means that not only are you a model, but you’re also a business owner. That means you have to learn the ins and outs of what it means to own and operate your own business. Everything from creating a corporation to keeping your financials organized to filing your taxes to marketing…it’s on you. I strongly suggest you put in the work early on and learn the ins and outs of each aspect of your business before hiring people to help you (aside from an accountant, and even then, you still need to pay attention to what they’re doing) so you’re not blindly trusting other people with your livelihood. This is also a good idea so that you can eventually train people in the systems you like best, because when you get busy with stuff like creating content and engaging with fans on fan sites, it’s nearly impossible to do everything yourself…and is also a recipe for burnout. For example, I have a virtual assistant who helps me keep track of my clothing auction site to make sure items are always being relisted, new items are being uploaded, letting me know when an order has been placed that I need to ship out, etc.

It’s work. Just like literally any other job, no matter how much you love it, there will absolutely be some days where you just don’t feel like getting up and filming. You have to be disciplined enough to be able to keep promises to yourself and show up for yourself (and your fans) every single day, and do what needs to be done…whether that’s custom content, filming new content, engaging with fans, etc. I still create and follow my own schedule years later, and always will. Holding yourself accountable will always be crucial.

It can get expensive. While there is good money to be made, it takes time to get there when you’re in the building process. You’ll need money for stuff like the fees to create a corporation, have cash flow so you can pay yourself – and your taxes – properly, wardrobe, testing (if you’re working with other talent), lighting, travel (if you’re collaborating with other talent who don’t live in your area), etc.

Create as many streams of income for yourself as possible. Whether you want to be an adult entertainer for your entire life, or have a plan to get in and get out in 3 years…whatever…it’s really fucking smart to take advantage of any and all money-making opportunities that align with you that you can create for yourself (literally just like any other business) so that you’re not just relying on one stream of income. This could include stuff like creating clip stores on sites like Manyvids , I Want Clips, and/or Modelhub. It could include offering your fans the option to purchase custom content from you on the above sites, or by sending you a tip on Onlyfans. It could include selling your special lingerie you wear in your scenes on a site like My Sexy Auctions. It could mean offering your fans to chat with you via phone or video call on Sext Panther. It could mean creating a merch store. The sky is truly the limit here, but my point in all of this is that you absofuckinglutely need to have more than just one source of income coming in if you want to be able to make money off of your name while you sleep.

Mindset is everything. As an adult entertainer, you’re not only a business woman, but you’re also an artist. The lifestyle can be weird, especially if it’s not something you’re used to. It can also be incredibly lonely if you’re not living in a place like LA which is a super artist-friendly city. Stay in touch with your friends. Make new connections with other ladies in the industry and make a space for yourself in the community. Don’t compare yourself to other women in the industry. Ignore trolls and block them, letting their comments slide right off of you. Don’t let the weird opinions of other people on your life and your work get to you, because remember, they’re based off of their own world views and life experiences and have little to do with you. Live your life in real life, not just online. Practice self care.

Stack your fucking cash. Most women I know in the industry who are still around today have gone through this phase. I sure did! You’re suddenly making more money than you’ve ever seen in your life. It can be really fucking tempting to go spend it all in one fell swoop. While I am fully on board with treating yourself (Lord KNOWS I am extra as they come)…it’s all about balance, baby! I’ve been aggressively saving and investing the past few years and let me tell you, nothing is more satisfying, empowering, and SEX to me than logging on to my bank account and investment accounts and seeing those numbers grow and grow and grow. There are few greater feelings to me than being able to pay hefty bills without getting anxiety over not having enough money left until the next pay day. BIG BANK ACCOUNTS ARE FUCKING HOT. So is learning how to properly manage your money. Put in the work. Read financial books (I HIGHLY recommend anything by Robert Kiyosaki). Read magazines like Kiplingers. Listen to financial podcasts. I took a life-changing money course that completely changed my beliefs and views on money, taught by a super cool chick who just gets my vibe. This seems super boring at first, but remember…I’m a fake titty blonde chick who loves Sephora, Starbucks, spray tans, false lashes and pink. If I can fucking handle it, so can you. The worst thing you can do is blindly give your money to someone else to manage. That’s the lazy way out. Boss ass bitches do the work and stack their cash.

I LOVE sharing my own insight and resources for other ladies in the business to use. Was this helpful for you? What more do you want to learn from me? Comment this post with your questions, suggestions, etc.

xo, alix

February 1, 2022

20 Things About Adulting I Know to Be True

Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. Everyone is just figuring it out as they go along.
We’re all just a bunch of kids running around in adult bodies.
Figure out a way to make multiple streams of passive income for yourself so that you can make money in your sleep without having to do anything and be able to rely on other sources of money in case something happens to your main one.
Money is just a tool/neutral resource. Nothing more. Good people do good stuff with it.
We’re all fucked up in some way, shape or form because we’re all human. Best to start fixing your shit sooner than later because otherwise it WILL manifest in all different parts of your life, especially relationships, until the wounds are healed.
Everyone can benefit from therapy even if you think you might not need it.
Time is your most valuable asset. There’s no shame in hiring people for services like cleaning your house, walking your dog, doing your laundry, whatever. That just means you’re buying your own time and can use it however you please instead of doing shit that someone else can do.
Thinking you have to, or trying to, do everything yourself is detrimental to your mental health and output of whatever it is you’re working at. Each of us has a different set of skills, gifts and talents for a reason: to share them and help one another.
You’ll learn more being a practitioner of something vs. sitting in a classroom learning about it. Of course, professions like doctors are excluded ;
Deep down, everyone just wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It’s our motivation behind literally everything we do. We fight, we go to war, we hold grudges…but ultimately, we all want the same exact thing.
What you focus on expands. Focus on the negative, you’ll be a cloud of negativity. Focus on what’s abundant, positive, expansive in your life…and more of that will flow to you.
Nearly any reality you want to create is possible for you. You just need to want it badly enough and be willing to show up for it daily at your best.
People who harm others are the ones who are hurting the most on the inside.
Everyone has an opinion. Know whose to take seriously and whose to bounce off of you.
If you want to have a blueprint of a particular path to follow in life, find someone who’s done it already and reverse engineer the framework of the steps they took to get there.
Something as small as complimenting a friend or simply saying hi out of the blue can make their day.
The smallest of day to day habits pile up quickly, and before you know it, they are what make up your life. Be intentional with all that you do.
The grass is green precisely where you decide to water it. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Just focus on making your own tiny corner of the universe a fabulous one.
There’s no shame or greed in always wanting to do, be and have better. Life is meant to be enjoyed to its fullest.
There is no one other human being on this planet who has existed, or ever will exist, who is exactly like you. You are a thumbprint. You are something special.