REAL TALK Archives

April 2, 2022

On Love and Loss

I lost my dad to alcoholism in 2017 at age 27. While it’s something that I’ve processed, grieved over, and accepted, I would be lying if I said it didn’t still hurt. Truth be told, I don’t think it will ever not hurt. I think the death of a parent, especially one that’s sudden, is something that turns your world inside out and upside down and you’re just never quite the same after that. It’s like a hole in your heart that you just learn to live with. I’ve never opened up about this this much before, but in recent times, I’ve learned that what helps me heal the most is not only writing, but sharing my stories in hopes of helping others, too.

I spent my entire childhood not knowing he was sick with this disease because it was something that was well masked from not only myself and my younger brother, but from everyone outside our immediate family, too. I do think that deep down I inherently knew something was off from a very young age. I was never close with any of my family members and spent a lot of my time instead either alone in my bedroom reading tons of books, or off with my friends. I think that’s why that aside from my close friendship with my brother, I consider my chosen relationships, both romantic and friendships, to be the strongest bonds I have with other people. I really do abide by the whole “friends are family” notion.

I don’t have any anger nor do I blame anyone over that. Everyone was just doing their best and what they thought was right for us during that time. Besides, he was also functioning. He was a great dad. He built us our own double-decker custom playhouse in the backyard, an ice skating rink in the winter, picked us up from school, and showed up without even questioning me when I called him at 22 because I had found a mouse in my car and didn’t know what to do. He was the best dad he could have been to the best of his abilities.

It wasn’t until my parents got divorced when I was around 23 when the truth really came out. Looking back on the random incidents that happened when I was growing up, it made total sense that he had been struggling. Coming home to finding him “sleeping” on the living room floor. Finding him passed out in the bathroom in the middle of the night when I had to go. Witnessing my mom giving him the cold shoulder seemingly all the time, as if there were some underlying reason why she resented him so much but I never did understand why.

When he moved out of our childhood home after the divorce, it got even worse. He had also had major hearing loss after years spent working in construction, had extreme vertigo and a cochlear implant that permanently and extremely distorted his ability to hear normally, which I know sank him even further into a deep depressive state. I can’t imagine to this day what losing such an integral part of your existence, your ability to hear, must be like.

I recently read an account of another person who lost his own father to alcoholism in his twenties, and he talked about how when you live with a parent who’s got this disease, that you almost start grieving them before they pass away because you slowly see them deteriorating in front of your eyes and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. I’ve never heard anyone explain it this way but he absolutely nailed it. That’s exactly what it’s like.

I did try, many times. Nothing I did worked. During that time, I was flustered and felt helpless, but I’ve been able to forgive myself, because when people don’t truly want to help themselves, no matter how much they need it, they won’t accept it. That’s something I came to terms with a long time ago, and it’s what helped give me a sense of peace when he passed away, because the guilt that naturally came from that was so, so real.

My only other sibling, my younger brother, was only 22 at the time. Since my parents were divorced, it was on just him and I to handle the aftermath of his death, to see to it that his affairs were handled how he had expressed he had wanted them to be in the past. To see to it that his ashes were scattered exactly where he wanted them to be. Twenties are far too young an age for anyone to have to go through that. If there’s any one instance I can pinpoint that made me grow up immediately, it was that.

While I have long ago forgiven him, because I know that he was struggling with his own inner demons that I’ll never know about; a disease that I’ll never truly understand that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, I still do sometimes have all kind of feelings that come up when I think about him. Feelings that I’m not necessarily proud of.

Anger, for not having the kind of Dad I thought I should have had – that any child should have had. Resentment, despite knowing he had a disease, for being selfish enough to choose to drink his problems away instead of facing them (I also know that therapy was probably unheard of for his generation during that time). Extreme sadness, for not being around to see how awesome his kids are doing, knowing that he would be so damn proud of us both (before he passed away, he did tell me that he supported my decision to do adult work, because as long as I was happy, that’s all that mattered). Even more sadness over the fact that he’ll never be able to meet important people in my life like my significant other, and later in life, my own children. That he’ll never be able to live into old age and experience all the wonderful gifts that life has to offer.

If there’s any sort of silver lining to be had from this experience, it’s the fact that it changed my perspective on life and love forever. It made me open my eyes to what my true priorities were in life, and what truly matters. Family, keeping the company of good people, inner peace, living a full life, health and wellness…all of it. I stopped partying. I got really serious about wellness; not just physical health but mental as well. I started meditating, prioritizing a healthy lifestyle, focusing on how I could be of further service to the world, and how I could help lift up and inspire others around me. I stopped hyper-focusing on materialistic stuff and starting instead looking inward and focusing on how I could be a better person from the inside out, not just to myself but to the people in my life.

I see a lot of him in me, too. I’ve got his strong jawline (YAY). I’ve got his quiet and kind demeanor. I’ve got his dry sense of humor. Oh, do I have that! I’ve got his “wild child” streak with a love for all things fast, like boats, ATVs and rollercoasters. Knowing I’ll carry these little things with me throughout my life makes me happy.

If you’ve lost a parent, especially one to addiction, I see you. I feel you. I love you. The way I see it, you get to carry your lost loved ones with you for the rest of your life and experience the world through your own eyes, together. And, the way I see it, living your life in a way that would make them so proud is the biggest act of not only self-love, but way to honor them, that you can give to yourself.

xo, alix

February 1, 2022

20 Things About Adulting I Know to Be True

Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. Everyone is just figuring it out as they go along.
We’re all just a bunch of kids running around in adult bodies.
Figure out a way to make multiple streams of passive income for yourself so that you can make money in your sleep without having to do anything and be able to rely on other sources of money in case something happens to your main one.
Money is just a tool/neutral resource. Nothing more. Good people do good stuff with it.
We’re all fucked up in some way, shape or form because we’re all human. Best to start fixing your shit sooner than later because otherwise it WILL manifest in all different parts of your life, especially relationships, until the wounds are healed.
Everyone can benefit from therapy even if you think you might not need it.
Time is your most valuable asset. There’s no shame in hiring people for services like cleaning your house, walking your dog, doing your laundry, whatever. That just means you’re buying your own time and can use it however you please instead of doing shit that someone else can do.
Thinking you have to, or trying to, do everything yourself is detrimental to your mental health and output of whatever it is you’re working at. Each of us has a different set of skills, gifts and talents for a reason: to share them and help one another.
You’ll learn more being a practitioner of something vs. sitting in a classroom learning about it. Of course, professions like doctors are excluded ;
Deep down, everyone just wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It’s our motivation behind literally everything we do. We fight, we go to war, we hold grudges…but ultimately, we all want the same exact thing.
What you focus on expands. Focus on the negative, you’ll be a cloud of negativity. Focus on what’s abundant, positive, expansive in your life…and more of that will flow to you.
Nearly any reality you want to create is possible for you. You just need to want it badly enough and be willing to show up for it daily at your best.
People who harm others are the ones who are hurting the most on the inside.
Everyone has an opinion. Know whose to take seriously and whose to bounce off of you.
If you want to have a blueprint of a particular path to follow in life, find someone who’s done it already and reverse engineer the framework of the steps they took to get there.
Something as small as complimenting a friend or simply saying hi out of the blue can make their day.
The smallest of day to day habits pile up quickly, and before you know it, they are what make up your life. Be intentional with all that you do.
The grass is green precisely where you decide to water it. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Just focus on making your own tiny corner of the universe a fabulous one.
There’s no shame or greed in always wanting to do, be and have better. Life is meant to be enjoyed to its fullest.
There is no one other human being on this planet who has existed, or ever will exist, who is exactly like you. You are a thumbprint. You are something special.

January 23, 2022

I’m Uncomfortable Daily

Real talk: I’ve been uncomfortable pretty much every single day since July of 2020, when I moved out of my bubble in LA to New York, to live in nature and unplug from the daily grind of city life.

Why? Well, from spring of 2014 up until March of 2020 when COVID flipped the world upside down, I had a lot of structure. For someone who enjoys her freedom more than anything, you would think I would run for the hills at the sound of the word “structure.” But actually, it’s structure that helps me continue to build my life on my own terms and allows me the freedom I seek. So while I still have structure now (I live and breathe by my planner), it’s a lot different than what I had in the past, and I’m still getting used to it.

See, when I lived in LA, all I did was shoot. Like, every day. If I wasn’t shooting for a company, I was spending my time shooting my own scenes, whether on a set or at home. This is why I literally own like, 1000 scenes. Creating in the form of filming was just what I did. So I would wake up every single day and might not know what I was going to film, but I knew that I was going to film something, which gave me a peace of mind.

But since COVID life, that all changed. Shoots were cancelled and the world went on pause. This gave me, much like so many other people, a lot of time to reflect on the life I was living. And in that reflecting, I realized that I was simply not the happiest I could be. I knew that there was a life out there for me that I would find drastically more fulfilling. I knew this because a. I’m extremely self-aware and I can just tell b. The last time I made a big decision in my life of that caliber was when I decided to move out to LA to pursue my career, and that same exact “it’s time for a change” feeling was back. I recognized it. So even though part of me was like, “God damn it, not again,” (because let’s face it, the process of moving fucking sucks, especially across the country, not to mention this would be another large lifestyle change for me) there was a bigger part of me that was excited at the prospect of switching gears.

So, as I do, I chose to be excited rather than anxious because my happiness and peace of mind is my priority, so as comfortable as I was in my current situation, I knew deep down that it was not my long-term solution. And once I knew that, I couldn’t un-know that.

I also knew that in deciding to move, that life as I knew it would change. At that point, I had drastically cut back on filming for companies and had been hyper focused on filming my own scenes (I personally love to have full creative control over what I’m filming, who I’m filming with, as well as have the ability to collect residuals from my scenes forever which is something that filming for companies does not offer) so there wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle change for me other than having to travel to film scenes. Which was fine by me.

My decision to move was also based on my desire to live a more calm, “normal” life in the sense that I wanted to be and do more than just adult film. I didn’t want to quit, but I did want to expand more into different interests and passions of mine, and incorporate them into the world I’m building. Stuff like this blog, my merch, brand collaborations, music and more. I also wanted to be a normal human on the day to day, which was not the vibe I had in LA, where all I was doing on the daily was getting up and being an adult actress. There was a part of me deep down that craved more. More connections with more people that were beyond surface-level. More nature. More fun adventures with friends for no reason other than “just because.”

Needless to say, just as I knew, my decision to move was the right one. I can truly say that I have never felt more at peace with myself and my life the way I do now.

Which is in a way funny, because I can also truly say that I have never felt more anxiety or emotional ups and downs the way I do now. Why? Because since I moved, I have been 100% reliant on myself and my team to continue creating, expanding, and elevating. This is opposed to how I used to be, which was me living and working in a tight-knit community of fellow adult entertainers on the daily. Moving away took me out of the thick of all of that.

It forced me, in a good way, to get really crystal clear on exactly what I wanted out of life, and how I wanted it to look and feel. This is a tricky place to be because I’m the boss. I’m not following any sort of person, blueprint or trail. I’m clearing and creating my own. Which is equal parts bliss and absolutely maddening, depending on the day 😉

Ultimately, the way I feel is that me moving was me being ready to truly grow up and take full responsibility for my life and making it into exactly what I wanted. Since I decided not to follow the typical blue print of a successful adult film star (rather than just going all in on only porn porn porn, it’s just a really fun part of my world), I decided to surrender once and for all to the fact that if I want something, it’s on me (and my team) to figure out how to bring it to life. Which, ultimately, means that almost every single day is unknown.

While I am still structured and have a set schedule of to-do’s on the daily, it’s a whole lot more of putting out small fires throughout the day, waiting on deliverables from people I’ve hired to help me do things like editing, a lot more back-and-forth phone calls with my team, etc. A far cry from my LA self, which was….go to set, come home, sleep, go to set…you get it.

Nowadays, each day is a blank canvas where it’s up to me to decide what I’ll fill it with. Not my agent. Not the circumstances of my schedule lining up with another talent. And while I am wired for this and couldn’t imagine living any other way, that doesn’t mean that I’m not freaked the fuck out sometimes, or that I don’t catch myself in a spiral of “I hope this works,” and/or wondering if I am indeed certifiably insane.

I find that most people greatly fear exactly this. This, being uncertainty. Not knowing exactly what tomorrow will bring. I’m certainly not immune to it. But what I am certain of is that I have grown more as a person and into adulthood more in the past two years than ever before. I am certain that all of the uncertainty that I experience on the day to day has created anxiety up the ying yang for me, but that it’s also made me stronger, more resilient and more trusting of myself than ever. I’m happier than ever before. I’m more fulfilled than ever before. I’m more confident than ever before.

So instead of holing back up in my comfort bubble, I choose to embrace the uncertainty, no matter how comfortable the former may be. Because from what I’ve lived, it’s in the places of uncertainty that I’ve experienced the most expansion into the next-level, best version of myself. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.