REAL TALK Archives

March 10, 2023

I’m in My Chill Era

Wow has it been a HOT minute since I’ve written anything on here. Hey, hi, hello!

Wanna know what’s funny?I love writing. A LOT. And I’ve just now realized that I haven’t given myself this outlet in a while now because I’ve been so overly consumed with pumping out content on all other platforms where I know it will be consumed the most – AKA social media, AKA video format. I think I’ll forever be trying to find that happy medium between carving out time for myself to write just because and constantly staying in front of the eyes and ears of the masses in a world that’s full of infinite distractions.

Anyways…

I’ve spent the last couple of days pretty immobile with a gnarly stomach bug, and this is the first day I feel semi-human. During this being unable to physically do anything time, I did a bit of reflecting. Reflecting on who I was, who I am now and how drastically different those two people are. Especially with my new Youtube series, “Behind the Small Screen,” rolling out and having to revisit the past, it’s wild to me how much I’ve evolved and grown over the years, all for the better.

What I’ve learned in my 33 years here on earth is that life is a series of seasons. Like, when I lived in LA as a full time small screen actress from 2014-2020 (and for the billionth time, I am not retired, I just exclusively produce my own scenes now), that period of time was a long ass season of figuring out who I was, what I stood for, what I wanted out of life, and building my business.

I also experienced more of life during that time than I think most people do in their lifetimes, which is why I’m no longer surprised when people call me an “old soul.” I’m a forever student of life, but the wisdom that comes from being in the thick of all the ups and downs…highest of highs and lowest of lows… that life throws your way is a real thing.

Since moving out of LA in 2020 (it’s crazy because when it was time to move there, I just knew, and when it was time to leave there, I just knew) I’ve only continued to become happier and more content with myself and my path.

I’ve realized that it’s because I’ve only continued to learn how to trust myself and my intuition, even if it makes precisely zero sense to anyone else.

It’s because I’ve learned to have full faith and trust in the fact that my path is unfolding for me exactly as it’s meant to, even if it may not seem like it in the moment.

I look back on goals I wanted to reach years ago that I’m just now reaching, and realize that there’s no way in hell I could have handled them in the moments when I thought I wanted them.

I look on relationships that I have now that I wanted forever, and realize that the reason I have them now is because I’m able to fully handle them now with the wisdom and emotional maturity I’ve gained.

I look back on milestones that years ago I wanted to reach so badly, and realize that I didn’t reach them because that rejection was the universe’s way of protecting me from situations that I was never, ever truly meant for, and I am beyond grateful to have avoided getting what I thought I wanted in those moments.

All of this is simply because I’ve learned to love myself fully – not just the upsides, the good stuff, the happy moments, but the parts of me that I’m still working on. The imperfections. The dark places that we all have that I used to deny even existed.

And in this journey, I’ve learned to honor who I really am, and be that person. To follow my joy, and what truly lights me up. To take care of myself. To show up for myself daily, and be the best version of me that I can possibly be. Nowadays, what excites me the most is no longer a huge house party (although I am happy to come out of the woodworks once a year or so for such an excursion). It’s no longer having a VIP table at an exclusive club. It’s no longer traveling somewhere new every single weekend with the intention of escaping a life that I felt just “meh” about. It’s no longer spending copious amounts of money on the latest trendy outfits to only wear once for the sake of validating myself.

Nope, not even close. Nowadays, what lights me up on the daily is working out first thing in the morning. Donating to animal rescue organizations. Working hard, but also working smarter.Walking my dog. Spending time with my loved ones making memories. Only saying yes to things I can truly get behind and want to do. Sleeping 8 hours a night. Curling up on the couch with a good book on my Kindle. Ordering my favorite iced matcha boba latte. Immersing myself in a random forest and/or with my feet in the ocean. Spending an obnoxious amount of time trying out new beauty rituals.

What I’ve learned in my relatively short time here on Earth is this: living your life in full alignment with who you are as a good human with integrity…honoring what you truly resonate with…what truly lights you up at core…that’s happiness. And I’ve come to realize that living a low-key, calm lifestyle with spurts of adventure and fuckery thrown in the mix to keep it spicy is precisely what does it for me.

xo, alix

November 28, 2022

Am I Crazy?!

I question myself almost daily if I’m crazy. From what I’ve gathered, having had many chats with fellow content creators and those who took the entrepreneurial route – this is completely normal.

It’s funny, because people look at me and my life, and from the outside looking in, it seems like I’ve done pretty damn well for myself. Which I have. But with that knowledge comes the blessing and curse of knowing that I can always do better.

I constantly feel like I’m waking up every day with a blank slate, and I’m the only one who’s in charge of figuring out what the next move is. Talk about pressure.

I constantly feel like I’m multitasking and have five billion projects going on all at once, and it’s more often than not that it feels like my brain is on information overload mode, ready to explode.

I’m constantly judging myself and picking myself apart, finding ways in which I can do and be even better than I was the day before. And sometimes, it gets dark. It’s definitely not uncommon for me to have a full-on meltdown a couple times a month when life gets too overwhelming.

What’s also funny is that people think that being a full-time content creator is easy work. And yes, when you love what you do, as I do, most of the time it really doesn’t feel like work. I take that as the indicator that I’m on the right path. But don’t get me wrong. I also work harder at this point in my life than I ever have before. It takes a ton of help from my team in staying organized. It takes a ton of back and forth emails, calls, texts at all hours. It takes a ton of discipline. It takes a ton of planning. It takes a ton of creative juice. And sometimes, it just gets to be a lot. So much so that sometimes I fantasize about just throwing in the towel and becoming a librarian. I kid, but it has crossed my mind!

What’s interesting is that I noticed that my anxiety over life in general got way worse when I decided to stop doing adult film full time on studio sets and switched to just being an independent content creator, meaning that I was now officially fully responsible for all of my income and all of my growth. No more agents sending me to set where I would be told what to do and leaving with a paycheck.

Now, my success was officially all on me. Once again, the pressure! But what’s also interesting is that while, in many ways, life got a lot more difficult…it also got a lot better. I can’t deny that at this point in my life, I’m happier than I have ever been.

I needed that separation from being immersed in work 24/7, because being the work-obsessed lady I am and living in LA…that was all I did, living right next door to tons of fellow performers & studios & sets. I needed that extra breathing room to actually take time and create a life – a real life – for myself, behind the small screen. One that I could retreat into, and just be myself.

I needed that extra time not spent on set to figure out my next moves. To grow and expand into exciting new projects and ventures that I otherwise would have put on the back burner. Venturing out of my comfort zone has both absolutely terrifying and wildly exciting.

And as each day passes, I notice that there are more and more brand-new challenges that I haven’t ever faced before. Each day I have a new small fire to put out. Each day I learn something new that completely changes my perspective on any given topic. Each day I realize that I really don’t know all that much, and that I have a lot to learn.

I’ve also realized this: I wouldn’t have my life any other way other than what it is now. I truly know and believe to the core of my soul that the universe doesn’t present me with any challenge or task that I am not ready for. I truly know and believe that each of us are exactly where we need to be in this very moment, learning the lessons that we need to learn. I truly know and believe that life is happening for us. That each mistake made is a teachable moment. That I could not live my life as my absolute best and highest self if I were busy carving out the dreams of others rather than my own.

I’ve come to the conclusion that working for yourself is for sure not for everyone, but for those who feel called to take this path…you gotta trust your gut and just dive in headfirst, just like I did. It’s a nonstop rollercoaster of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It’s the biggest lesson is personal development ever. It’s a complete mind fuck. It’s fucking fun, and rewarding, and empowering to be in complete control over my own destiny. And while that may very well make me crazy, I still wouldn’t change it for the world.

February 1, 2022

20 Things About Adulting I Know to Be True

Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. Everyone is just figuring it out as they go along.
We’re all just a bunch of kids running around in adult bodies.
Figure out a way to make multiple streams of passive income for yourself so that you can make money in your sleep without having to do anything and be able to rely on other sources of money in case something happens to your main one.
Money is just a tool/neutral resource. Nothing more. Good people do good stuff with it.
We’re all fucked up in some way, shape or form because we’re all human. Best to start fixing your shit sooner than later because otherwise it WILL manifest in all different parts of your life, especially relationships, until the wounds are healed.
Everyone can benefit from therapy even if you think you might not need it.
Time is your most valuable asset. There’s no shame in hiring people for services like cleaning your house, walking your dog, doing your laundry, whatever. That just means you’re buying your own time and can use it however you please instead of doing shit that someone else can do.
Thinking you have to, or trying to, do everything yourself is detrimental to your mental health and output of whatever it is you’re working at. Each of us has a different set of skills, gifts and talents for a reason: to share them and help one another.
You’ll learn more being a practitioner of something vs. sitting in a classroom learning about it. Of course, professions like doctors are excluded ;
Deep down, everyone just wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It’s our motivation behind literally everything we do. We fight, we go to war, we hold grudges…but ultimately, we all want the same exact thing.
What you focus on expands. Focus on the negative, you’ll be a cloud of negativity. Focus on what’s abundant, positive, expansive in your life…and more of that will flow to you.
Nearly any reality you want to create is possible for you. You just need to want it badly enough and be willing to show up for it daily at your best.
People who harm others are the ones who are hurting the most on the inside.
Everyone has an opinion. Know whose to take seriously and whose to bounce off of you.
If you want to have a blueprint of a particular path to follow in life, find someone who’s done it already and reverse engineer the framework of the steps they took to get there.
Something as small as complimenting a friend or simply saying hi out of the blue can make their day.
The smallest of day to day habits pile up quickly, and before you know it, they are what make up your life. Be intentional with all that you do.
The grass is green precisely where you decide to water it. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Just focus on making your own tiny corner of the universe a fabulous one.
There’s no shame or greed in always wanting to do, be and have better. Life is meant to be enjoyed to its fullest.
There is no one other human being on this planet who has existed, or ever will exist, who is exactly like you. You are a thumbprint. You are something special.