REAL TALK Archives

November 28, 2022

Am I Crazy?!

I question myself almost daily if I’m crazy. From what I’ve gathered, having had many chats with fellow content creators and those who took the entrepreneurial route – this is completely normal.

It’s funny, because people look at me and my life, and from the outside looking in, it seems like I’ve done pretty damn well for myself. Which I have. But with that knowledge comes the blessing and curse of knowing that I can always do better.

I constantly feel like I’m waking up every day with a blank slate, and I’m the only one who’s in charge of figuring out what the next move is. Talk about pressure.

I constantly feel like I’m multitasking and have five billion projects going on all at once, and it’s more often than not that it feels like my brain is on information overload mode, ready to explode.

I’m constantly judging myself and picking myself apart, finding ways in which I can do and be even better than I was the day before. And sometimes, it gets dark. It’s definitely not uncommon for me to have a full-on meltdown a couple times a month when life gets too overwhelming.

What’s also funny is that people think that being a full-time content creator is easy work. And yes, when you love what you do, as I do, most of the time it really doesn’t feel like work. I take that as the indicator that I’m on the right path. But don’t get me wrong. I also work harder at this point in my life than I ever have before. It takes a ton of help from my team in staying organized. It takes a ton of back and forth emails, calls, texts at all hours. It takes a ton of discipline. It takes a ton of planning. It takes a ton of creative juice. And sometimes, it just gets to be a lot. So much so that sometimes I fantasize about just throwing in the towel and becoming a librarian. I kid, but it has crossed my mind!

What’s interesting is that I noticed that my anxiety over life in general got way worse when I decided to stop doing adult film full time on studio sets and switched to just being an independent content creator, meaning that I was now officially fully responsible for all of my income and all of my growth. No more agents sending me to set where I would be told what to do and leaving with a paycheck.

Now, my success was officially all on me. Once again, the pressure! But what’s also interesting is that while, in many ways, life got a lot more difficult…it also got a lot better. I can’t deny that at this point in my life, I’m happier than I have ever been.

I needed that separation from being immersed in work 24/7, because being the work-obsessed lady I am and living in LA…that was all I did, living right next door to tons of fellow performers & studios & sets. I needed that extra breathing room to actually take time and create a life – a real life – for myself, behind the small screen. One that I could retreat into, and just be myself.

I needed that extra time not spent on set to figure out my next moves. To grow and expand into exciting new projects and ventures that I otherwise would have put on the back burner. Venturing out of my comfort zone has both absolutely terrifying and wildly exciting.

And as each day passes, I notice that there are more and more brand-new challenges that I haven’t ever faced before. Each day I have a new small fire to put out. Each day I learn something new that completely changes my perspective on any given topic. Each day I realize that I really don’t know all that much, and that I have a lot to learn.

I’ve also realized this: I wouldn’t have my life any other way other than what it is now. I truly know and believe to the core of my soul that the universe doesn’t present me with any challenge or task that I am not ready for. I truly know and believe that each of us are exactly where we need to be in this very moment, learning the lessons that we need to learn. I truly know and believe that life is happening for us. That each mistake made is a teachable moment. That I could not live my life as my absolute best and highest self if I were busy carving out the dreams of others rather than my own.

I’ve come to the conclusion that working for yourself is for sure not for everyone, but for those who feel called to take this path…you gotta trust your gut and just dive in headfirst, just like I did. It’s a nonstop rollercoaster of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It’s the biggest lesson is personal development ever. It’s a complete mind fuck. It’s fucking fun, and rewarding, and empowering to be in complete control over my own destiny. And while that may very well make me crazy, I still wouldn’t change it for the world.

April 2, 2022

On Love and Loss

I lost my dad to alcoholism in 2017 at age 27. While it’s something that I’ve processed, grieved over, and accepted, I would be lying if I said it didn’t still hurt. Truth be told, I don’t think it will ever not hurt. I think the death of a parent, especially one that’s sudden, is something that turns your world inside out and upside down and you’re just never quite the same after that. It’s like a hole in your heart that you just learn to live with. I’ve never opened up about this this much before, but in recent times, I’ve learned that what helps me heal the most is not only writing, but sharing my stories in hopes of helping others, too.

I spent my entire childhood not knowing he was sick with this disease because it was something that was well masked from not only myself and my younger brother, but from everyone outside our immediate family, too. I do think that deep down I inherently knew something was off from a very young age. I was never close with any of my family members and spent a lot of my time instead either alone in my bedroom reading tons of books, or off with my friends. I think that’s why that aside from my close friendship with my brother, I consider my chosen relationships, both romantic and friendships, to be the strongest bonds I have with other people. I really do abide by the whole “friends are family” notion.

I don’t have any anger nor do I blame anyone over that. Everyone was just doing their best and what they thought was right for us during that time. Besides, he was also functioning. He was a great dad. He built us our own double-decker custom playhouse in the backyard, an ice skating rink in the winter, picked us up from school, and showed up without even questioning me when I called him at 22 because I had found a mouse in my car and didn’t know what to do. He was the best dad he could have been to the best of his abilities.

It wasn’t until my parents got divorced when I was around 23 when the truth really came out. Looking back on the random incidents that happened when I was growing up, it made total sense that he had been struggling. Coming home to finding him “sleeping” on the living room floor. Finding him passed out in the bathroom in the middle of the night when I had to go. Witnessing my mom giving him the cold shoulder seemingly all the time, as if there were some underlying reason why she resented him so much but I never did understand why.

When he moved out of our childhood home after the divorce, it got even worse. He had also had major hearing loss after years spent working in construction, had extreme vertigo and a cochlear implant that permanently and extremely distorted his ability to hear normally, which I know sank him even further into a deep depressive state. I can’t imagine to this day what losing such an integral part of your existence, your ability to hear, must be like.

I recently read an account of another person who lost his own father to alcoholism in his twenties, and he talked about how when you live with a parent who’s got this disease, that you almost start grieving them before they pass away because you slowly see them deteriorating in front of your eyes and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. I’ve never heard anyone explain it this way but he absolutely nailed it. That’s exactly what it’s like.

I did try, many times. Nothing I did worked. During that time, I was flustered and felt helpless, but I’ve been able to forgive myself, because when people don’t truly want to help themselves, no matter how much they need it, they won’t accept it. That’s something I came to terms with a long time ago, and it’s what helped give me a sense of peace when he passed away, because the guilt that naturally came from that was so, so real.

My only other sibling, my younger brother, was only 22 at the time. Since my parents were divorced, it was on just him and I to handle the aftermath of his death, to see to it that his affairs were handled how he had expressed he had wanted them to be in the past. To see to it that his ashes were scattered exactly where he wanted them to be. Twenties are far too young an age for anyone to have to go through that. If there’s any one instance I can pinpoint that made me grow up immediately, it was that.

While I have long ago forgiven him, because I know that he was struggling with his own inner demons that I’ll never know about; a disease that I’ll never truly understand that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, I still do sometimes have all kind of feelings that come up when I think about him. Feelings that I’m not necessarily proud of.

Anger, for not having the kind of Dad I thought I should have had – that any child should have had. Resentment, despite knowing he had a disease, for being selfish enough to choose to drink his problems away instead of facing them (I also know that therapy was probably unheard of for his generation during that time). Extreme sadness, for not being around to see how awesome his kids are doing, knowing that he would be so damn proud of us both (before he passed away, he did tell me that he supported my decision to do adult work, because as long as I was happy, that’s all that mattered). Even more sadness over the fact that he’ll never be able to meet important people in my life like my significant other, and later in life, my own children. That he’ll never be able to live into old age and experience all the wonderful gifts that life has to offer.

If there’s any sort of silver lining to be had from this experience, it’s the fact that it changed my perspective on life and love forever. It made me open my eyes to what my true priorities were in life, and what truly matters. Family, keeping the company of good people, inner peace, living a full life, health and wellness…all of it. I stopped partying. I got really serious about wellness; not just physical health but mental as well. I started meditating, prioritizing a healthy lifestyle, focusing on how I could be of further service to the world, and how I could help lift up and inspire others around me. I stopped hyper-focusing on materialistic stuff and starting instead looking inward and focusing on how I could be a better person from the inside out, not just to myself but to the people in my life.

I see a lot of him in me, too. I’ve got his strong jawline (YAY). I’ve got his quiet and kind demeanor. I’ve got his dry sense of humor. Oh, do I have that! I’ve got his “wild child” streak with a love for all things fast, like boats, ATVs and rollercoasters. Knowing I’ll carry these little things with me throughout my life makes me happy.

If you’ve lost a parent, especially one to addiction, I see you. I feel you. I love you. The way I see it, you get to carry your lost loved ones with you for the rest of your life and experience the world through your own eyes, together. And, the way I see it, living your life in a way that would make them so proud is the biggest act of not only self-love, but way to honor them, that you can give to yourself.

xo, alix

February 1, 2022

20 Things About Adulting I Know to Be True

Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. Everyone is just figuring it out as they go along.
We’re all just a bunch of kids running around in adult bodies.
Figure out a way to make multiple streams of passive income for yourself so that you can make money in your sleep without having to do anything and be able to rely on other sources of money in case something happens to your main one.
Money is just a tool/neutral resource. Nothing more. Good people do good stuff with it.
We’re all fucked up in some way, shape or form because we’re all human. Best to start fixing your shit sooner than later because otherwise it WILL manifest in all different parts of your life, especially relationships, until the wounds are healed.
Everyone can benefit from therapy even if you think you might not need it.
Time is your most valuable asset. There’s no shame in hiring people for services like cleaning your house, walking your dog, doing your laundry, whatever. That just means you’re buying your own time and can use it however you please instead of doing shit that someone else can do.
Thinking you have to, or trying to, do everything yourself is detrimental to your mental health and output of whatever it is you’re working at. Each of us has a different set of skills, gifts and talents for a reason: to share them and help one another.
You’ll learn more being a practitioner of something vs. sitting in a classroom learning about it. Of course, professions like doctors are excluded ;
Deep down, everyone just wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It’s our motivation behind literally everything we do. We fight, we go to war, we hold grudges…but ultimately, we all want the same exact thing.
What you focus on expands. Focus on the negative, you’ll be a cloud of negativity. Focus on what’s abundant, positive, expansive in your life…and more of that will flow to you.
Nearly any reality you want to create is possible for you. You just need to want it badly enough and be willing to show up for it daily at your best.
People who harm others are the ones who are hurting the most on the inside.
Everyone has an opinion. Know whose to take seriously and whose to bounce off of you.
If you want to have a blueprint of a particular path to follow in life, find someone who’s done it already and reverse engineer the framework of the steps they took to get there.
Something as small as complimenting a friend or simply saying hi out of the blue can make their day.
The smallest of day to day habits pile up quickly, and before you know it, they are what make up your life. Be intentional with all that you do.
The grass is green precisely where you decide to water it. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Just focus on making your own tiny corner of the universe a fabulous one.
There’s no shame or greed in always wanting to do, be and have better. Life is meant to be enjoyed to its fullest.
There is no one other human being on this planet who has existed, or ever will exist, who is exactly like you. You are a thumbprint. You are something special.