xo, alix

alix lynx, unhinged

I’m Uncomfortable Daily

 

 

Real talk: I’ve been uncomfortable pretty much every single day since July of 2020, when I moved out of my bubble in LA to New York, to live in nature and unplug from the daily grind of city life.

Why? Well, from spring of 2014 up until March of 2020 when COVID flipped the world upside down, I had a lot of structure. For someone who enjoys her freedom more than anything, you would think I would run for the hills at the sound of the word “structure.” But actually, it’s structure that helps me continue to build my life on my own terms and allows me the freedom I seek. So while I still have structure now (I live and breathe by my planner), it’s a lot different than what I had in the past, and I’m still getting used to it.

See, when I lived in LA, all I did was shoot. Like, every day. If I wasn’t shooting for a company, I was spending my time shooting my own scenes, whether on a set or at home. This is why I literally own like, 1000 scenes. Creating in the form of filming was just what I did. So I would wake up every single day and might not know what I was going to film, but I knew that I was going to film something, which gave me a peace of mind.

But since COVID life, that all changed. Shoots were cancelled and the world went on pause. This gave me, much like so many other people, a lot of time to reflect on the life I was living. And in that reflecting, I realized that I was simply not the happiest I could be. I knew that there was a life out there for me that I would find drastically more fulfilling. I knew this because a. I’m extremely self-aware and I can just tell b. The last time I made a big decision in my life of that caliber was when I decided to move out to LA to pursue my career, and that same exact “it’s time for a change” feeling was back. I recognized it. So even though part of me was like, “God damn it, not again,” (because let’s face it, the process of moving fucking sucks, especially across the country, not to mention this would be another large lifestyle change for me) there was a bigger part of me that was excited at the prospect of switching gears.

So, as I do, I chose to be excited rather than anxious because my happiness and peace of mind is my priority, so as comfortable as I was in my current situation, I knew deep down that it was not my long-term solution. And once I knew that, I couldn’t un-know that.

I also knew that in deciding to move, that life as I knew it would change. At that point, I had drastically cut back on filming for companies and had been hyper focused on filming my own scenes (I personally love to have full creative control over what I’m filming, who I’m filming with, as well as have the ability to collect residuals from my scenes forever which is something that filming for companies does not offer) so there wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle change for me other than having to travel to film scenes. Which was fine by me.

My decision to move was also based on my desire to live a more calm, “normal” life in the sense that I wanted to be and do more than just adult film. I didn’t want to quit,  but I did want to expand more into different interests and passions of mine, and incorporate them into the world I’m building. Stuff like this blog, my merch, brand collaborations, music and more. I also wanted to be a normal human on the day to day, which was not the vibe I had in LA, where all I was doing on the daily was getting up and being an adult actress. There was a part of me deep down that craved more. More connections with more people that were beyond surface-level. More nature. More fun adventures with friends for no reason other than “just because.”

Needless to say, just as I knew, my decision to move was the right one. I can truly say that I have never felt more at peace with myself and my life the way I do now.

Which is in a way funny, because I can also truly say that I have never felt more anxiety or emotional ups and downs the way I do now. Why? Because since I moved, I have been 100% reliant on myself and my team to continue creating, expanding, and elevating. This is opposed to how I used to be, which was me living and working in a tight-knit community of fellow adult entertainers on the daily. Moving away took me out of the thick of all of that.

It forced me, in a good way, to get really crystal clear on exactly what I wanted out of life, and how I wanted it to look and feel. This is a tricky place to be because I’m the boss. I’m not following any sort of person, blueprint or trail. I’m clearing and creating my own. Which is equal parts bliss and absolutely maddening, depending on the day 😉

Ultimately, the way I feel is that me moving was me being ready to truly grow up and take full responsibility for my life and making it into exactly what I wanted. Since I decided not to follow the typical blue print of a successful adult film star (rather than just going all in on only porn porn porn, it’s just a really fun part of my world), I decided to surrender once and for all to the fact that if I want something, it’s on me (and my team) to figure out how to bring it to life. Which, ultimately, means that almost every single day is unknown.

While I am still structured and have a set schedule of to-do’s on the daily, it’s a whole lot more of putting out small fires throughout the day, waiting on deliverables from people I’ve hired to help me do things like editing, a lot more back-and-forth phone calls with my team, etc. A far cry from my LA self, which was….go to set, come home, sleep, go to set…you get it.

Nowadays, each day is a blank canvas where it’s up to me to decide what I’ll fill it with. Not my agent. Not the circumstances of my schedule lining up with another talent. And while I am wired for this and couldn’t imagine living any other way, that doesn’t mean that I’m not freaked the fuck out sometimes, or that I don’t catch myself in a spiral of “I hope this works,” and/or wondering if I am indeed certifiably insane.

I find that most people greatly fear exactly this. This, being uncertainty. Not knowing exactly what tomorrow will bring. I’m certainly not immune to it. But what I am certain of is that I have grown more as a person and into adulthood more in the past two years than ever before. I am certain that all of the uncertainty that I experience on the day to day has created anxiety up the ying yang for me, but that it’s also made me stronger, more resilient and more trusting of myself than ever. I’m happier than ever before. I’m more fulfilled than ever before. I’m more confident than ever before.

So instead of holing back up in my comfort bubble, I choose to embrace the uncertainty, no matter how comfortable the former may be. Because from what I’ve lived, it’s in the places of uncertainty that I’ve experienced the most expansion into the next-level, best version of myself. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. 

How Making a Living Off of My Body Has Changed Me

 

Sometimes, I think of who I would be if I hadn’t chosen the career path I did. Who I would be if I, instead, had chosen to remain in the desk job that sucked the life out of me. I can never know for sure, but I at least like to think I would have eventually reached a breaking point and decided to go into business for myself. Doing what? Who knows. I think about this, but I also think about the fact that to this day, I don’t think there was EVER a more perfect path for me. The one I’m on now is IT. 

I believe to my core that me waking up one day and deciding to go ALL IN in such a controversial career, fully knowing that that meant that I could never go work for corporate America EVER (although who knows now because it IS 2022 and people do seem to be more open minded now than ever before), ultimately deciding to fully trust in myself, saved me from living a life that was not authentic to me. It saved me from living a life as a completely different person, masking who I truly was deep down. To me, this choice was the ultimate act of liberation. It was the ultimate act of self-trust. It was the ultimate middle finger to the societal constructs that I felt so trapped in before I chose this path.

When I first got into adult entertainment – first webcamming, then adult film – I was a completely different person than I am today. I was, deep down, so lost. Desperately trying to figure out who I truly was. I had always taken care of myself as far as working out and eating well, and had always loved all things beauty, spending 5 hours at a time getting hair extensions, getting regular spray tans, Botox, filler, going shopping in my free time, etc.

And there is nothing wrong with any of the above, P.S. I still, to this day, love all of the above. But back then, at 25, it was all surface level for me. That was really all I cared about. And of course, getting into adult film, seeing myself in 4K, every single pore magnified, every flaw up close and personal…I saw it, and I “fixed” everything I didn’t like. I compared myself to other women in the industry and would get really down on myself if I weren’t booked for certain scenes, or weren’t “chosen” for special collaborations with certain production studios. For several years, my identity was wrapped solely up in how I looked and how often I was chosen by others. It was an absolute emotional roller coaster, because I had given my power away to everything outside of myself, allowing others to dictate how I felt about myself.

Needless to say, it was exhausting. I didn’t realize it while I was in it, until one day…I did. I think this was around the time that my dad passed away. That was a huge wake up call for me as far as having an extremely painful, but in your face learning lesson in the sense that life is so precious. People are so special. Our lives are so special. We are each unique, special beings with our own gifts to share with the world.

I had this realization, and then shortly after, I dabbled in psychedelics, which to me was like peeling away a fuckload of layers I had built up around myself over my entire existence. It was like I was just waking up and seeing myself and the world for exactly what it was for the first time ever. It was like I finally understood life and what it was all about. (I’m absolutely not condoning this, P.S. I’m simply sharing my personal experience).

From there, I started to completely change my lifestyle. I saw the connection between myself and other people and living creatures, and personally felt like eating meat and animal products were no longer for me. I also became more aware of the affects of what I was putting into my body and how I was treating it. I became a vegan. I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking energy drinks and eating processed food. I started being strict with myself when it came to getting a good night’s sleep every night, letting my body rest and heal itself. I started meditating every day. I started journaling again. I started seeking learning material from books, podcasts, digital courses, etc. on spirituality, which soon became a staple in my life. Nothing else, to me, made as much sense as this stuff did.

I realized that I was just this body – this vessel – that was made out of stardust and was on this huge rock hurtling through outer space at epic speeds, for just a relatively short period of time. I realized that my body and how I chose to present myself to the world was comparative to an art canvas. I realized that with all the hair extensions, beauty treatments, fashion obsessions…it was simply me choosing to present myself to the world how I felt on the inside. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I had much more to offer to the world than just that.

I realized that the surface level stuff is great. I firmly believe that everyone can and should express themselves truly and authentically to the world, no matter what that looks like. But I also realized that I could do that and also choose to be a better human on the inside, too. I soon became able to edit my own photos without cringing and nitpicking at myself over little flaws I would see…from being too skinny, to having a little extra weight on my thighs, to a hair extension showing, to a ripple on my breast implant, to my ugly ass bunions showing…and instead be kinder to myself, appreciating what I loved about myself, and knowing that I, like every other human, have flawed physical attributes, and not allowing that to sink me into a dark hole of depression because I am far more than just my looks.

I also became more aware of the fact that I’ve worked with so many different women. I’ve seen so many different bodies…huge fake tits, small, natural ones…filled lips to natural, thin ones…straight hair, curly hair, curvy, skinny…and I began to see that the truth was, every single one of these women, myself included, is beautiful in their own way. Every single person is beautiful in their own way. It was like I began to see the souls of others, rather than simply what was physically in front of me.

In recognizing this, I also finally understood that this was the ultimate truth, and that regardless of what trendy plastic surgery is floating around Instagram…what hair color is “in” right now…what body type is considered the “hottest” right now…that none of it actually fucking matters. It’s not that it’s “bad” or “wrong” to indulge in any of these. What matters ultimately is the intention behind it. Whether you’re doing it for you or you’re doing it because you think you need to in order to be accepted and liked. Because while the latter may seem true based on the content we’re bombarded with on social media on the daily…it’s not. And knowing all of this, for me, it’s liberating as fuck. I’m happier and free-er and more confident now than I’ve ever been in my life.

Ultimately, making a living off of my body has taught me that me existing as me is already inherently enough, and that anything I choose to do with my own body is A-OK, as long as I carry the wisdom with me that it’s something I’m doing, not who I am. Because who I am goes far, far deeper than surface level. The same is true for every single human being on this planet.

New Year, New Slate

 

 

My god has it been a HOT minute since I’ve written anything on here.

My intention with this blog was always to write when I felt inclined to write. As in, it’s essentially my hobby. It’s a thing I do because writing has always been something I’ve loved to do since I was a small human. When I’m writing, I lose myself and the words just flow. Plus, I like to help people by sharing my own stories, my own insights, my own lessons that I’m learning, etc.

I think we often forget that what comes naturally to us doesn’t come so naturally to others. I think we often underestimate our ability to have a positive impact on the world and inspire others. I think we often forget just how incredible and special each of us truly is.

Anyways, I’m BACK! And it feels really, REALLY good.

I want to share some updates with you pertaining to my own life, my own headspace, and where I’m at in the world.

While I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, I do believe that the new year symbolizes hitting the “refresh” button on life. It’s a clean slate. I certainly feel this way right now.

I look back on 2021 and wonder where the actual hell the time went. It FLEW, right?!? Which, to me, indicates that time, especially in adulthood, seems to pass by so, so quickly. This also serves as a reminder to me that if you want to start something, whether it’s a project, hobby, business endeavor, whatever…there is truly no  perfect timing. You just gotta START, and figure it out along the way. Just like there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship or perfection in day to day life. You spill your coffee on the floor. You wake up at 6am and immediately have to clean up dog poop in the living room, un-caffeinated. (Literally my day yesterday, yum!) You realize you forgot to pay a medical bill that got lost in the mail. Life is a beautiful, imperfect experience.

For me, 2022 symbolizes deep commitment. To my peace of mind. To showing up for myself, even when I don’t feel like it because it’s in my best interest (annoying middle of the day doctor’s appointments, anyone?!) To doing my morning stretches even when I just feel like sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and staring off into space. To bringing anything that I’ve got brewing in me, like new business endeavors and projects, travel ideas, home decor ideas, whatever, to life.

People often ask me how I stay so motivated. My response to that is that I don’t. I’m absolutely not motivated every day. What I am, however, is disciplined. I know that through consistent, repetitive action steps towards what I want in my life (stuff like a thriving business, loving relationship, financial freedom, solid friendships and family ties, a long, healthy life) that I will reap the benefits tomorrow with the seeds I plant today. That’s my “big secret” to staying “motivated.” 😉

Does staying disciplined like this get mundane sometimes? Sure. Do I sometimes have frustrating days where I’m on hold with an airline for 2 hours and then get cut off, which makes me want to go live in a tree in the middle of the forest with no technology? You bet. Do I sometimes just not want to do life at all in the morning, and instead lay in my cozy bed all day swaddled in fuzzy blankets watching Sex and the City reruns? Hell yes.

But I don’t, because I’m committed to myself and my life and making my corner of the universe as incredible as possible.

In addition, I’ve also noticed a massive expansion within myself mentally.

I’m noticing myself becoming…softer. Being more comfortable with being vulnerable. Becoming even more empathetic to others, even when they’re being annoying. Being more loving in general, and expressing that. Still being extra and loving getting glammed up and dressing cute, but simultaneously recognizing the value in becoming more focused on making sure I’m just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. Envisioning myself with a family of my own one day. Finding happiness and joy in the little day-to-day things, like taking my dog outside and watching her bound about in the snow like a baby lamb. Is this what growing up is? If so, I’m here for it.

I’m beyond excited for what this year will bring.

Thank you for being here with me on this journey that we call life.

xo, alix