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January 22, 2022

How Making a Living Off of My Body Has Changed Me

 

Sometimes, I think of who I would be if I hadn’t chosen the career path I did. Who I would be if I, instead, had chosen to remain in the desk job that sucked the life out of me. I can never know for sure, but I at least like to think I would have eventually reached a breaking point and decided to go into business for myself. Doing what? Who knows. I think about this, but I also think about the fact that to this day, I don’t think there was EVER a more perfect path for me. The one I’m on now is IT. 

I believe to my core that me waking up one day and deciding to go ALL IN in such a controversial career, fully knowing that that meant that I could never go work for corporate America EVER (although who knows now because it IS 2022 and people do seem to be more open minded now than ever before), ultimately deciding to fully trust in myself, saved me from living a life that was not authentic to me. It saved me from living a life as a completely different person, masking who I truly was deep down. To me, this choice was the ultimate act of liberation. It was the ultimate act of self-trust. It was the ultimate middle finger to the societal constructs that I felt so trapped in before I chose this path.

When I first got into adult entertainment – first webcamming, then adult film – I was a completely different person than I am today. I was, deep down, so lost. Desperately trying to figure out who I truly was. I had always taken care of myself as far as working out and eating well, and had always loved all things beauty, spending 5 hours at a time getting hair extensions, getting regular spray tans, Botox, filler, going shopping in my free time, etc.

And there is nothing wrong with any of the above, P.S. I still, to this day, love all of the above. But back then, at 25, it was all surface level for me. That was really all I cared about. And of course, getting into adult film, seeing myself in 4K, every single pore magnified, every flaw up close and personal…I saw it, and I “fixed” everything I didn’t like. I compared myself to other women in the industry and would get really down on myself if I weren’t booked for certain scenes, or weren’t “chosen” for special collaborations with certain production studios. For several years, my identity was wrapped solely up in how I looked and how often I was chosen by others. It was an absolute emotional roller coaster, because I had given my power away to everything outside of myself, allowing others to dictate how I felt about myself.

Needless to say, it was exhausting. I didn’t realize it while I was in it, until one day…I did. I think this was around the time that my dad passed away. That was a huge wake up call for me as far as having an extremely painful, but in your face learning lesson in the sense that life is so precious. People are so special. Our lives are so special. We are each unique, special beings with our own gifts to share with the world.

I had this realization, and then shortly after, I dabbled in psychedelics, which to me was like peeling away a fuckload of layers I had built up around myself over my entire existence. It was like I was just waking up and seeing myself and the world for exactly what it was for the first time ever. It was like I finally understood life and what it was all about. (I’m absolutely not condoning this, P.S. I’m simply sharing my personal experience).

From there, I started to completely change my lifestyle. I saw the connection between myself and other people and living creatures, and personally felt like eating meat and animal products were no longer for me. I also became more aware of the affects of what I was putting into my body and how I was treating it. I became a vegan. I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking energy drinks and eating processed food. I started being strict with myself when it came to getting a good night’s sleep every night, letting my body rest and heal itself. I started meditating every day. I started journaling again. I started seeking learning material from books, podcasts, digital courses, etc. on spirituality, which soon became a staple in my life. Nothing else, to me, made as much sense as this stuff did.

I realized that I was just this body – this vessel – that was made out of stardust and was on this huge rock hurtling through outer space at epic speeds, for just a relatively short period of time. I realized that my body and how I chose to present myself to the world was comparative to an art canvas. I realized that with all the hair extensions, beauty treatments, fashion obsessions…it was simply me choosing to present myself to the world how I felt on the inside. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I had much more to offer to the world than just that.

I realized that the surface level stuff is great. I firmly believe that everyone can and should express themselves truly and authentically to the world, no matter what that looks like. But I also realized that I could do that and also choose to be a better human on the inside, too. I soon became able to edit my own photos without cringing and nitpicking at myself over little flaws I would see…from being too skinny, to having a little extra weight on my thighs, to a hair extension showing, to a ripple on my breast implant, to my ugly ass bunions showing…and instead be kinder to myself, appreciating what I loved about myself, and knowing that I, like every other human, have flawed physical attributes, and not allowing that to sink me into a dark hole of depression because I am far more than just my looks.

I also became more aware of the fact that I’ve worked with so many different women. I’ve seen so many different bodies…huge fake tits, small, natural ones…filled lips to natural, thin ones…straight hair, curly hair, curvy, skinny…and I began to see that the truth was, every single one of these women, myself included, is beautiful in their own way. Every single person is beautiful in their own way. It was like I began to see the souls of others, rather than simply what was physically in front of me.

In recognizing this, I also finally understood that this was the ultimate truth, and that regardless of what trendy plastic surgery is floating around Instagram…what hair color is “in” right now…what body type is considered the “hottest” right now…that none of it actually fucking matters. It’s not that it’s “bad” or “wrong” to indulge in any of these. What matters ultimately is the intention behind it. Whether you’re doing it for you or you’re doing it because you think you need to in order to be accepted and liked. Because while the latter may seem true based on the content we’re bombarded with on social media on the daily…it’s not. And knowing all of this, for me, it’s liberating as fuck. I’m happier and free-er and more confident now than I’ve ever been in my life.

Ultimately, making a living off of my body has taught me that me existing as me is already inherently enough, and that anything I choose to do with my own body is A-OK, as long as I carry the wisdom with me that it’s something I’m doing, not who I am. Because who I am goes far, far deeper than surface level. The same is true for every single human being on this planet.

Filed in: BEAUTY, REAL TALK, WELLNESS | By xoalynx | 3 Comments

January 20, 2022

New Year, New Slate

 

 

My god has it been a HOT minute since I’ve written anything on here.

My intention with this blog was always to write when I felt inclined to write. As in, it’s essentially my hobby. It’s a thing I do because writing has always been something I’ve loved to do since I was a small human. When I’m writing, I lose myself and the words just flow. Plus, I like to help people by sharing my own stories, my own insights, my own lessons that I’m learning, etc.

I think we often forget that what comes naturally to us doesn’t come so naturally to others. I think we often underestimate our ability to have a positive impact on the world and inspire others. I think we often forget just how incredible and special each of us truly is.

Anyways, I’m BACK! And it feels really, REALLY good.

I want to share some updates with you pertaining to my own life, my own headspace, and where I’m at in the world.

While I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, I do believe that the new year symbolizes hitting the “refresh” button on life. It’s a clean slate. I certainly feel this way right now.

I look back on 2021 and wonder where the actual hell the time went. It FLEW, right?!? Which, to me, indicates that time, especially in adulthood, seems to pass by so, so quickly. This also serves as a reminder to me that if you want to start something, whether it’s a project, hobby, business endeavor, whatever…there is truly no  perfect timing. You just gotta START, and figure it out along the way. Just like there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship or perfection in day to day life. You spill your coffee on the floor. You wake up at 6am and immediately have to clean up dog poop in the living room, un-caffeinated. (Literally my day yesterday, yum!) You realize you forgot to pay a medical bill that got lost in the mail. Life is a beautiful, imperfect experience.

For me, 2022 symbolizes deep commitment. To my peace of mind. To showing up for myself, even when I don’t feel like it because it’s in my best interest (annoying middle of the day doctor’s appointments, anyone?!) To doing my morning stretches even when I just feel like sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and staring off into space. To bringing anything that I’ve got brewing in me, like new business endeavors and projects, travel ideas, home decor ideas, whatever, to life.

People often ask me how I stay so motivated. My response to that is that I don’t. I’m absolutely not motivated every day. What I am, however, is disciplined. I know that through consistent, repetitive action steps towards what I want in my life (stuff like a thriving business, loving relationship, financial freedom, solid friendships and family ties, a long, healthy life) that I will reap the benefits tomorrow with the seeds I plant today. That’s my “big secret” to staying “motivated.” 😉

Does staying disciplined like this get mundane sometimes? Sure. Do I sometimes have frustrating days where I’m on hold with an airline for 2 hours and then get cut off, which makes me want to go live in a tree in the middle of the forest with no technology? You bet. Do I sometimes just not want to do life at all in the morning, and instead lay in my cozy bed all day swaddled in fuzzy blankets watching Sex and the City reruns? Hell yes.

But I don’t, because I’m committed to myself and my life and making my corner of the universe as incredible as possible.

In addition, I’ve also noticed a massive expansion within myself mentally.

I’m noticing myself becoming…softer. Being more comfortable with being vulnerable. Becoming even more empathetic to others, even when they’re being annoying. Being more loving in general, and expressing that. Still being extra and loving getting glammed up and dressing cute, but simultaneously recognizing the value in becoming more focused on making sure I’m just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. Envisioning myself with a family of my own one day. Finding happiness and joy in the little day-to-day things, like taking my dog outside and watching her bound about in the snow like a baby lamb. Is this what growing up is? If so, I’m here for it.

I’m beyond excited for what this year will bring.

Thank you for being here with me on this journey that we call life.

xo, alix

Filed in: LIFE STYLE, REAL TALK, WELLNESS | By xoalynx | 1 Comment

March 17, 2021

Mental Health Matters – We Can’t Do It All Alone

 

 

Mental health. I know this has been the focus of a lot of conversations, especially this past year with most of us having our lives turned upside down in some way or another. And that’s a good thing. Continuing the conversation, keeping it alive, keeping it flowing, helps others feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about it, too. 

Everything is always a ripple effect, and especially when it comes to topics that tend to have a stigma attached to it…like, MENTAL HEALTH…speaking about it helps dissolve the fear around it. Speaking about it helps NORMALIZE it. Which is exactly why I’m writing this. 

This past year was the first time in my life that I got a therapist. Before that (even though I definitely could have benefitted from one since, well, BIRTH) I just thought that a therapist wasn’t something I needed. That I was strong enough to handle life without help. That I could process all my shit by myself and be fine. 

And yes, much of that is true. I’m fully committed to a lifetime of daily personal growth and development. Daily self-improvement. Daily learning. Daily upleveling of myself and my life. I read a fuckload of self-help books. I listen to podcasts. I journal. I work with business coaches. I do more non traditional shit like psychedelics. I’m spiritual AF and believe in a higher power, which I believe guides me through my day to day. Needless to say I do a LOT for myself to make sure I’m actively being the best version of me I can possibly be, and contributing to the world every day in the best way that I can. 

I consider myself to be a really, really strong person. I’ve been through a LOT in my life. I’ve dealt with a lot of scary stuff and bullshit and come out the other side of it all strong as fuck. 

But even though that’s true, 2020 opened my eyes. A LOT. To the fact that not only is it OK to seek help, but we SHOULD seek help. Even if we don’t think we need it. 

To me, now, seeing my therapist is like any other doctor appointment. I stay on top of my teeth cleanings. I stay on top of my checkups. I stay on top of my eye exams. Why the fuck would I neglect my MENTAL HEALTH?! 

I mean, the state of my inner being…the state of my mental state…is what’s guiding me through day to day life. 

When my mental health is clogged up with stress, anxiety, and overall chaos that builds up from all the different circumstances that life throws at me…at all of us…I cannot possibly expect to make THE BEST decisions for myself from this space. 

I cannot possibly just “leave my problems at the door” because they’re STILL there when I leave. 

I cannot possibly just “brush things off” (which is what I used to do, without processing them) and expect that by doing so, my problems will magically disappear. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a cut that keeps coming back no matter what…until I do the work to discover what’s creating that cut in the first place. 

I decided to get a therapist in 2020 because not only did I want to be able to unpack all my goings-on in a safe environment, but I also wanted to do so with a trained professional involved who could give me unbiased insight, as well as the tools and resources necessary to process them. 

Of course, talking it out with friends helps, too, but I also didn’t want to be unloading all my issues onto the same handful of people all the time. 

While I did part ways with my original therapist from last year, I just found a new one who I really like and who I’m going to keep around for the foreseeable future. I just think it’s really, really important to have help when it comes to unpacking and processing whatever it is that’s happening in my life, working through it, and moving forward. 

I truly believe that EVERYONE can benefit from therapy. I no longer believe that therapy is for people with “big problems.” I mean, who am I to say what’s a big problem and what’s not, anyways? We all live different lives. What one person might consider a “big problem,” the next person might find it to be trivial. And it’s ALL OKAY. We are ALL on different paths. We are ALL experiencing life at a different pace, through different lenses of experience and worldviews. 

Therapy has already helped me SO much, and I look forward to spending a lifetime maintaining my mental health by consistently showing up for myself at my appointments and doing the work. Just like going to my physician’s, dentist, (or hell, even my Botox!) I am making my therapy sessions just as important. And normal. 

P.S. If you’re thinking about seeing a therapist, I currently use Better Help. I love this app because it matches you with the best therapist for you and what you need help with, and gives you a bunch of different ways to communicate, whether it’s via text, phone or video chat. It’s been a game changer for me <3 

xo, alix 

Filed in: HEALTH, WELLNESS | By xoalynx | Leave a Comment

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