2020. What a damn year it’s been.
Like most of you reading this…easily the weirdest year of my life.
I’ve thanked my lucky stars every single day since March, where my life was really turned upside down, that despite the world’s events that 2020 brought, I’m good.
I’m healthy. My loved ones are healthy. My career was not impacted negatively…it just evolved, is all. I live somewhere I love. I have a fridge and cupboards full of organic food. In fact, I’m better than I’ve ever been. Not everyone can say that.
And not a day goes by that I’m not appreciative of this.
What this year has taught me the most is that I always have a choice. Regardless of what subject I’m on, I can either choose to look at all the downsides, spiral into a frenzy of “what ifs,” overanalyze, overthink and focus heavily on doom and gloom (that was me, once upon a time). That, or I can choose to look at the positives. What’s working for me. What makes me feel good. What makes me happy. And trust in the fact that no matter what, everything will be OK, and that I can trust myself.
We cannot always control what happens in our lives, but we can ALWAYS control how we react to, and handle it.
So, yeah, it was a mindfuck and a half when I decided, as of March, that I was not going to film anymore until it felt safe to do so. Ten-ish months later – I HAVE filmed scenes – for myself, with a select few talent who took 23498 safety precautions beforehand. Considering I had been going to set regularly for 5 years before this…was it weird to shift gears? Yes. Different? Yes. But ultimately, I’m still filming. I’m still creating. I’m just doing it MY way.
Health is something I do not even remotely fuck with. Because if you don’t have your health, you don’t have much.
Which, ultimately, is what I always wanted anyways. I’m an A-type. I like to have full control over everything I do. At core, I’m both an artist and businesswoman. I like to create what I want when I want and on my own schedule. It’s just how I’m wired.
Not only that, but the lifestyle change, like many others, forced me to make some decisions I had been putting off because these decisions meant change. Decisions like leaving LA, which was something I had been thinking of for months before shit hit the fan in March. Who I am at 31 is not who I was at 25. Nowadays all I want is to live somewhere in peace and quiet, off the grid, surrounded by a fuck ton of nature, keeping it all low key AF.
But, much like my decision to move TO LA, I just knew in my soul that it was the right move. I didn’t question myself. Once I know, I KNOW. And I don’t dilly dally. I don’t wait. I don’t ask my friends what I should do to be sure. I MAKE MOVES.
So, I did. Yes, it was a pain in the ass, as moving is, but it was also SO worth it. I do miss my people, but I’ve also never been more at peace with where I am. I feel settled. I feel at home. Feelings I didn’t have that, as a country girl, living in a noisy, polluted city could provide me with.
On top of that, I also had always wanted to start a blog. I LOVE writing. I love sharing my heart. I love helping people, whether it’s with practical tips or just outfit inspiration. lol. So, I decided. I put in the work (it was a LOT), I made one, and here we are.
A merch store was also on that “back burner” list. So, once again, I decided. Then I got up every day and did what I needed to do to move it forward until it was all done. And, once again, it was a LOT. But I couldn’t be more proud of shopxoalix.com and all the designs from my brain that I brought to life.
Now, with 2021 quickly approaching, I’ve got a blank slate in front of me. But it doesn’t freak me out at all.
It EXCITES me.
I’m completely untethered now. No one to answer to, nowhere to be. It’s just me, my wild imagination and deep desire to leave an impact on the world. In a good way.
I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I’m capable of really doing whatever the fuck I want to do, and doing it well. No matter how crazy or out there the idea may seem. 😉
This year has also helped me understand that I have unwavering faith, trust, and confidence in myself and my abilities.
I’m not special. I’m human. I’m just a human with unfaltering determination to do whatever the fuck it takes to get to where I want to go. I don’t leave space for excuses. I either want it or I don’t.
Designing my life on purpose with each moment, one day at a time. It’s a matter of perspective and it’s a matter of choice. When the pandemic first hit, I promised myself that I would use each moment wisely, and that I would use this time to uplevel the fuck out of myself, my life, and ultimately the other humans who are a part of my world.
Is it a lot of work, to choose your own adventure in this game called life, and be completely untethered? Fuck yes. It’s a LOT of work. Not just business-related work, but work on yourself.
Working for myself has been the most intensive self-discovery and personal development journey EVER. It’s uncomfortable AF. It gets messy. It forces to me look at parts of myself that I had tried to keep tucked away, exposing them to light and truth and ultimately vanquishing them. It forces me to check myself every single day and keep myself in line. It’s scary, but it’s also an indescribably rewarding and empowering feeling that can never be taken away.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The shitstorm of 2020 unveiled to me the truth…that I am the only one who is in 100% charge of my life. I am the only one who will ever fully know and understand what I am here to do. I am the only one who can decide to make that happen. Without explaining myself. Without comparing myself. Without second-guessing myself. Without giving a fuck what anyone thinks.
Blinders up, just going for it, designing with intention every single piece of the puzzle.
At the end of every year, I always take time to reflect on the year that’s passed. I celebrate my wins. I look to where I can improve, going forward. I get quiet with myself and decide what I want the upcoming year to look like…what I want to create and share. I reflect on the hardships and the lessons learned from them. I appreciate it all…the good times and the bad. Because they’re ALL shaping me into the person I am evolving into…the next-level version of me that just gets better and better.
So, 2020, here’s to you. Here’s to unveiling a LOT of truth to the world. Here’s to the most tumultuous year I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Here’s to the lessons learned, and here’s to the start of a new chapter. Because 2021 is going to be the best yet.