xo, alix

alix lynx, unhinged

Am I Crazy?!

 

 

 

I question myself almost daily if I’m crazy. From what I’ve gathered, having had many chats with fellow content creators and those who took the entrepreneurial route – this is completely normal.

It’s funny, because people look at me and my life, and from the outside looking in, it seems like I’ve done pretty damn well for myself. Which I have. But with that knowledge comes the blessing and curse of knowing that I can always do better.

I constantly feel like I’m waking up every day with a blank slate, and I’m the only one who’s in charge of figuring out what the next move is. Talk about pressure.

I constantly feel like I’m multitasking and have five billion projects going on all at once, and it’s more often than not that it feels like my brain is on information overload mode, ready to explode.

I’m constantly judging myself and picking myself apart, finding ways in which I can do and be even better than I was the day before. And sometimes, it gets dark. It’s definitely not uncommon for me to have a full-on meltdown a couple times a month when life gets too overwhelming.

What’s also funny is that people think that being a full-time content creator is easy work. And yes, when you love what you do, as I do, most of the time it really doesn’t feel like work. I take that as the indicator that I’m on the right path. But don’t get me wrong. I also work harder at this point in my life than I ever have before.  It takes a ton of help from my team in staying organized. It takes a ton of back and forth emails, calls, texts at all hours. It takes a ton of discipline. It takes a ton of planning. It takes a ton of creative juice. And sometimes, it just gets to be a lot. So much so that sometimes I fantasize about just throwing in the towel and becoming a librarian. I kid, but it has crossed my mind!

What’s interesting is that I noticed that my anxiety over life in general got way worse when I decided to stop doing adult film full time on studio sets and switched to just being an independent content creator, meaning that I was now officially fully responsible for all of my income and all of my growth. No more agents sending me to set where I would be told what to do and leaving with a paycheck.

Now, my success was officially all on me. Once again, the pressure! But what’s also interesting is that while, in many ways, life got a lot more difficult…it also got a lot better. I can’t deny that at this point in my life, I’m happier than I have ever been.

I needed that separation from being immersed in work 24/7, because being the work-obsessed lady I am and living in LA…that was all I did, living right next door to tons of fellow performers & studios & sets. I needed that extra breathing room to actually take time and create a life – a real life – for myself, behind the small screen. One that I could retreat into, and just be myself.

I needed that extra time not spent on set to figure out my next moves. To grow and expand into exciting new projects and ventures that I otherwise would have put on the back burner. Venturing out of my comfort zone has both absolutely terrifying and wildly exciting.

And as each day passes, I notice that there are more and more brand-new challenges that I haven’t ever faced before. Each day I have a new small fire to put out. Each day I learn something new that completely changes my perspective on any given topic. Each day I realize that I really don’t know all that much, and that I have a lot to learn.

I’ve also realized this: I wouldn’t have my life any other way other than what it is now. I truly know and believe to the core of my soul that the universe doesn’t present me with any challenge or task that I am not ready for. I truly know and believe that each of us are exactly where we need to be in this very moment, learning the lessons that we need to learn. I truly know and believe that life is happening for us. That each mistake made is a teachable moment. That I could not live my life as my absolute best and highest self if I were busy carving out the dreams of others rather than my own.

I’ve come to the conclusion that working for yourself is for sure not for everyone, but for those who feel called to take this path…you gotta trust your gut and just dive in headfirst, just like I did. It’s a nonstop rollercoaster of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It’s the biggest lesson is personal development ever. It’s a complete mind fuck. It’s fucking fun, and rewarding, and empowering to be in complete control over my own destiny. And while that may very well make me crazy, I still wouldn’t change it for the world.

5 Holy Grail Quick Tips for Squashing Anxiety

 

Hi, my name is Alix and I’m a highly functioning anxious person. 

Which means that it’s not DEBILITATING. Like, no matter what, I always force myself to get up and go about my day no matter how anxious I’m feeling.

But it’s definitely there. 

I didn’t connect the dots on this until a couple years ago, when I really started to dig deep to figure out what makes me tick and resolve deep-rooted blocks that had been buried in my subconscious for, well, all of life.

Hooray for spirituality, meditation and psychedelics. 

Also, I’m obviously not a doctor nor am I condoning…that. I am, however, sharing my real life so you can take from this what you would like 🙂

 

The good news is, I’ve figured out how to make my anxiety manageable AF with these tips & tricks:

 

  • Daily meditation. I can’t stress this enough. This is why I’m constantly harping on it. BECAUSE IT WORKS. And it LITERALLY takes 5 minutes. Taking this time every day to clear my head BEFORE I get on my phone has made a MASSIVE difference in my mental clarity and overall level of chill. 

 

  • The “5 Things” Tactic. This is one that I use when I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack, which is pretty rare but it still does happen. This one is especially handy for when I’m somewhere public, i.e. somewhere I have to maintain composure (I once had to use this on set when we were filming a wedding scene and I was the bride. I got into character, alright. And then almost had a freakout. LMAO). So it goes like this…you look around and list 5 things you can see, touch, hear, smell, feel and taste. Then you name 4 things, going down that list. Then 3, all the way to 1. The idea is to get you out of your head and into the present moment.

 

  • I go somewhere quiet. I’m introverted AF, which means I’m at my best when I’m with small groups of people in more intimate settings. I treasure silence and calmness. If I’m at a party and there’s a fuck ton of people and it’s loud and I’m not fucked up which is, like, all the time…I get overwhelmed with all the stimulation and get panic-y. So, I’ll step outside or in a spare room and just CHILL for a bit. For introverts, getting quiet is like recharging your internal social batteries. Even if you’re NOT introverted, switch up your environment. Go to a different spot. Even the act of actively moving helps get you out of your head and back into the present moment. 

 

  • Get productive. I can always tell when I need to push myself more when I get in my own head. It means I’ve got too much time to sit and think! And while it IS necessary to have quiet time with yourself, there’s a big difference between giving yourself intentional reflection time and going down a spiral of thoughts over theoretical events that will likely never happen. As SOON as I find myself going down that path, I dive in head first to a task on my to-do list and give it my 100% attention (NO distractions)! The anxiety goes away quickly because I don’t have the time to sit and dwell. 

 

  • Get logical. When I feel myself getting myself worked up, I put my reality cap on and ask myself questions. Like, “OK, if I DO fuck up my lines 50 times in a row for this scene, what’s the absolute worst thing that will happen to me?” Someone on set like a PA will feed me my lines and the show will go on is what will happen. “If I DO have to have that uncomfortable conversation with my team, what’s the worst thing that will happen to me?” We’ll have a chat and resolve the conflict like the mature grown-ups we are. I’m finally on to the fact that our brains often LOVE to paint a MUCH more dramatic picture than what reality truly looks like 😉

 

LMK how it goes if you try any of these quick tips (or if you have any special ones of your own) <3

 

xo, al

 

 

I’m Afraid Every Day. And That’s a Good Thing.

POP ART SCARED 2 copy 2

 

Yes, it’s true.

Well, perhaps not EVERY single day. But most days, I’m afraid. And I know, it doesn’t seem like it.

Why am I afraid?

Because I push myself.

I push myself to go FAR beyond my comfort zone. The farther I push myself, the more scared I get. So I keep going. It feels unknown, anxiety-inducing and straight up uncomfortable AF.

And that’s precisely why it’s such a beautiful thing. 

Because if I weren’t getting up every day and making myself go on live streams to chat with my followers, even though I may not necessarily feel like it in that immediate moment because I have a headache…if I weren’t forcing myself to have uncomfortable but necessary conversations with people I do business with…if I weren’t throwing myself into a project that I’ve never undergone before (hello, this blog) and going back and forth with the web designer trying to communicate what I want without sounding like a total buffoon…there would be no improvement.

I would never grow the way I’m meant to grow to make the impact that I’m meant to have on the world. And this isn’t just about me. We all have our own unique gifts and talents that we’re meant to give to and share with others.

Every single one of us. 

For me, it’s super duper necessary, in fact THE MOST important to me, that I get whatever needs to come out of me, out of me. I just feel it. It’s like…giving birth? But to ideas. Which is my job. Which I love to do more than anything.

But that doesn’t make any of it any less scary. 

People who follow through with the unique gifts and creations they have that they’re meant to share with the world and people who don’t are not different breeds of human. It’s just that the former knows and understands that fear isn’t a sign of “I’m not going to do this so I don’t feel uncomfortable” that the latter follows.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

I once heard a quote that went something along the lines of, “Go where you’re most afraid to go.” As in, go after the burning desire of your heart that also makes you want to throw up when you think about it because that goal is so massive. THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE MEANT TO GO. 

Like the time I decided, “I’m going to just drop my entire life and move from New York to LA where I know precisely nobody to start a career as an adult film star” at age 25. I was petrified. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.

I just Googled everything, found an agent, and went from there. Even though the whole thing was insane, I KNEW in my heart that this was exactly what I wanted, so I went after it, guns blazing, pushing the fear aside every time it came up.

I felt an unspeakable pull every time I thought about actually following through with the move. Like I was being reeled in from New York to California by a giant invisible fishing line.

It was calling me. So I answered.

And sure enough, that weird feeling of unsettlement that I had been carrying for so long disappeared. Now here we are. 

Like the time I was FRESH AF to the world of adult film (literally like two weeks in) knew two people, was invited to be an extra in a music video sponsored by Pornhub, decided FUCK IT, got to set only to meet a bunch of HOT BABES who had been in the industry for years already (needless to say I was a SMIDGE intimidated and overwhelmed AF)…and ended up meeting my manager of now 6 years, Matt, there.

Who took me on as a client because he saw how hungry and how serious I was when it came to my new career.

 

Or how about the time more recently when I knew I had hit a wall when it came to the way I was running my life and business (AKA to the point of physical and mental exhaustion on the daily, putting myself on the back burner) and knew something had to change.

I felt a sense of dread and anxiety at the thought of changing anything (I’m a routine person to the core) but stronger than that dread and anxiety was THAT PULLING FEELING AGAIN doubled with that true knowing that if I went headfirst through the fear and anxiety I was feeling (I had been drawn to a couple business coaches, each with expensive but highly recommended programs) that I would come out the other side stronger and better than I could ever imagine.

That pull led me to investing in them, and therefore, myself, which drastically helped me transform my way of thinking things had to be, and helping me to restructure this part of my life in a way that felt aligned with who I was and where I wanted to go without exhausting myself in the process. 

Or like that time I decided I was going to start my music project, Fancy Monster, with my brother. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I didn’t grow up playing in rock bands (although I was a killer alto sax and flute player for 12 years 😉 ) I’m not struggling to make ends meet hopping from gig to gig.

All of the above is fantastic if that’s who you are, but I just come from a different place and have a different story.

So, like, I have ZERO experience in this world aside from having an imagination that runs rampant, biz skills and nonstop gut instincts as to exactly how this project will come to life and using the resources I have to make it happen one piece at a time.

All I had was a burning desire and THAT SAME EXACT PULL to go and do this that I couldn’t ignore even if I tried. I’m scared shitless pretty often and also question my sanity equally as much. But that’s also how I know I’m doing the right thing.

And stronger than the fear I experience is the feeling of confidence and just KNOWING that as long as I keep going and don’t quit, I can’t fuck this up and I will end up EXACTLY where I want to be (or somewhere better) because this is what I decided and once I decide, I always get.

Because it’s literally impossible to exist in any other reality. Because it’s a true, burning desire in my heart that has proven itself to be coming to life just as I had planned, as long as I continue to show up for it every single day. 

My examples may be more on the uhh intense side. Who knows though. Maybe yours are equally bananas. Please do spill if so.

No two humans are exactly alike. We’re all wired differently. All I’m saying is, if you wanna get ahead in life by any measure…whether it’s businesses, fitness, relationships, etc…if you don’t want to be complacent…you’ve gotta get used to the feelings of fear.

Because they’re always going to be there. But instead of avoiding them, just dive in, headfirst.

Anyways, once you’re in, it gets WAY less scary. Like, it’s THERE. You just instead accept and understand fear as being a natural part of your existence.

You feel it, you acknowledge it, and you do whatever the fuck you want anyways.

And I promise, you can. 

 

xo al