xo, alix

alix lynx, unhinged

I’m Uncomfortable Daily

 

 

Real talk: I’ve been uncomfortable pretty much every single day since July of 2020, when I moved out of my bubble in LA to New York, to live in nature and unplug from the daily grind of city life.

Why? Well, from spring of 2014 up until March of 2020 when COVID flipped the world upside down, I had a lot of structure. For someone who enjoys her freedom more than anything, you would think I would run for the hills at the sound of the word “structure.” But actually, it’s structure that helps me continue to build my life on my own terms and allows me the freedom I seek. So while I still have structure now (I live and breathe by my planner), it’s a lot different than what I had in the past, and I’m still getting used to it.

See, when I lived in LA, all I did was shoot. Like, every day. If I wasn’t shooting for a company, I was spending my time shooting my own scenes, whether on a set or at home. This is why I literally own like, 1000 scenes. Creating in the form of filming was just what I did. So I would wake up every single day and might not know what I was going to film, but I knew that I was going to film something, which gave me a peace of mind.

But since COVID life, that all changed. Shoots were cancelled and the world went on pause. This gave me, much like so many other people, a lot of time to reflect on the life I was living. And in that reflecting, I realized that I was simply not the happiest I could be. I knew that there was a life out there for me that I would find drastically more fulfilling. I knew this because a. I’m extremely self-aware and I can just tell b. The last time I made a big decision in my life of that caliber was when I decided to move out to LA to pursue my career, and that same exact “it’s time for a change” feeling was back. I recognized it. So even though part of me was like, “God damn it, not again,” (because let’s face it, the process of moving fucking sucks, especially across the country, not to mention this would be another large lifestyle change for me) there was a bigger part of me that was excited at the prospect of switching gears.

So, as I do, I chose to be excited rather than anxious because my happiness and peace of mind is my priority, so as comfortable as I was in my current situation, I knew deep down that it was not my long-term solution. And once I knew that, I couldn’t un-know that.

I also knew that in deciding to move, that life as I knew it would change. At that point, I had drastically cut back on filming for companies and had been hyper focused on filming my own scenes (I personally love to have full creative control over what I’m filming, who I’m filming with, as well as have the ability to collect residuals from my scenes forever which is something that filming for companies does not offer) so there wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle change for me other than having to travel to film scenes. Which was fine by me.

My decision to move was also based on my desire to live a more calm, “normal” life in the sense that I wanted to be and do more than just adult film. I didn’t want to quit,  but I did want to expand more into different interests and passions of mine, and incorporate them into the world I’m building. Stuff like this blog, my merch, brand collaborations, music and more. I also wanted to be a normal human on the day to day, which was not the vibe I had in LA, where all I was doing on the daily was getting up and being an adult actress. There was a part of me deep down that craved more. More connections with more people that were beyond surface-level. More nature. More fun adventures with friends for no reason other than “just because.”

Needless to say, just as I knew, my decision to move was the right one. I can truly say that I have never felt more at peace with myself and my life the way I do now.

Which is in a way funny, because I can also truly say that I have never felt more anxiety or emotional ups and downs the way I do now. Why? Because since I moved, I have been 100% reliant on myself and my team to continue creating, expanding, and elevating. This is opposed to how I used to be, which was me living and working in a tight-knit community of fellow adult entertainers on the daily. Moving away took me out of the thick of all of that.

It forced me, in a good way, to get really crystal clear on exactly what I wanted out of life, and how I wanted it to look and feel. This is a tricky place to be because I’m the boss. I’m not following any sort of person, blueprint or trail. I’m clearing and creating my own. Which is equal parts bliss and absolutely maddening, depending on the day 😉

Ultimately, the way I feel is that me moving was me being ready to truly grow up and take full responsibility for my life and making it into exactly what I wanted. Since I decided not to follow the typical blue print of a successful adult film star (rather than just going all in on only porn porn porn, it’s just a really fun part of my world), I decided to surrender once and for all to the fact that if I want something, it’s on me (and my team) to figure out how to bring it to life. Which, ultimately, means that almost every single day is unknown.

While I am still structured and have a set schedule of to-do’s on the daily, it’s a whole lot more of putting out small fires throughout the day, waiting on deliverables from people I’ve hired to help me do things like editing, a lot more back-and-forth phone calls with my team, etc. A far cry from my LA self, which was….go to set, come home, sleep, go to set…you get it.

Nowadays, each day is a blank canvas where it’s up to me to decide what I’ll fill it with. Not my agent. Not the circumstances of my schedule lining up with another talent. And while I am wired for this and couldn’t imagine living any other way, that doesn’t mean that I’m not freaked the fuck out sometimes, or that I don’t catch myself in a spiral of “I hope this works,” and/or wondering if I am indeed certifiably insane.

I find that most people greatly fear exactly this. This, being uncertainty. Not knowing exactly what tomorrow will bring. I’m certainly not immune to it. But what I am certain of is that I have grown more as a person and into adulthood more in the past two years than ever before. I am certain that all of the uncertainty that I experience on the day to day has created anxiety up the ying yang for me, but that it’s also made me stronger, more resilient and more trusting of myself than ever. I’m happier than ever before. I’m more fulfilled than ever before. I’m more confident than ever before.

So instead of holing back up in my comfort bubble, I choose to embrace the uncertainty, no matter how comfortable the former may be. Because from what I’ve lived, it’s in the places of uncertainty that I’ve experienced the most expansion into the next-level, best version of myself. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. 

Everything Sounds Crazy Until It’s Done

 

I’m a move forward, never look back kinda person. I’m not nostalgic because I’m busy creating a future that’s even better than the past. But there are certain parts of my past that I will never, ever forget because they serve as reminders as to what’s true and possible.

 

Like, when I decided to quit the 9-5 rat race life FOREVER to be a webcam model instead. LOTS of people in my life thought I was certifiably insane. “It’s not a real job!” I was told. “That’s not sustainable!” “That’s the easy way out!” (as if I want to spend my life doing backbreaking hard shit that sucks, lmao).

 

The list goes on.

 

And then…I did it anyways. I made way more money than I ever had working in the 9-5 world. I also worked WAY harder than I EVER had in the 9-5 world. Anyone who’s ever done a webcam show will tell you…yes, it is a real job and yes, it’s not easy. The good models just make it LOOK easy.

 

Or how about when I decided to drop my life in New York to restart in Los Angeles…doing adult film. Again, I heard the same old feedback from (well-intended) people who couldn’t fathom that this was a possible way to live. “Oh, you’ll be back soon!” “That’s a dangerous, dark industry! You’re too good for that!” [my experience was neither dark nor dangerous] “You’ll never be able to have a REAL job again!!“ (DUH).

 

And then…I did it anyways. I moved out there knowing, like, 2 people, with some boxes of my stuff, and started over. I had some of the best times of my life. I met some incredible people and made lifelong friends. I learned A LOT about myself…and how to run and grow a business.

 

I grew up. I found myself. I built that business that expands every single year. I created the life for myself that I had always envisioned…the one that sounded INSANE to others but made perfect sense to me…(My own list goes on, too. At this point, I’m USED to people calling me crazy).

 

…and ultimately, that’s all that ever mattered. 

 

As long as I believed in myself to the core, I knew I would accomplish all that I set out to. Or something better.

 

And this is possible for anyone. 

 

Never underestimate the power of belief in yourself. People can only believe in you as much as they believe in themselves. If you don’t have a thick skin yet, be mindful of who you share your visions with because you don’t want anyone to stomp them out before they’re born.

 

Just keep your eyes on the prize, blinders up, and decide that you’ll make whatever IT is, happen for you. Then get to work.

 

That’s all it takes.

 

Then, eventually, the same people who called you crazy will ask you how you did it. 😉

 

 

xo, alix

Dear 2020…It’s Over.

 

 

2020. What a damn year it’s been.

Like most of you reading this…easily the weirdest year of my life.

I’ve thanked my lucky stars every single day since March, where my life was really turned upside down, that despite the world’s events that 2020 brought, I’m good. 

I’m healthy. My loved ones are healthy. My career was not impacted negatively…it just evolved, is all. I live somewhere I love. I have a fridge and cupboards full of organic food. In fact, I’m better than I’ve ever been. Not everyone can say that.

And not a day goes by that I’m not appreciative of this. 

What this year has taught me the most is that I always have a choice. Regardless of what subject I’m on, I can either choose to look at all the downsides, spiral into a frenzy of “what ifs,” overanalyze, overthink and focus heavily on doom and gloom (that was me, once upon a time). That, or I can choose to look at the positives. What’s working for me. What makes me feel good. What makes me happy. And trust in the fact that no matter what, everything will be OK, and that I can trust myself.

We cannot always control what happens in our lives, but we can ALWAYS control how we react to, and handle it. 

So, yeah, it was a mindfuck and a half when I decided, as of March, that I was not going to film anymore until it felt safe to do so. Ten-ish months later – I HAVE filmed scenes – for myself, with a select few talent who took 23498 safety precautions beforehand. Considering I had been going to set regularly for 5 years before this…was it weird to shift gears? Yes. Different? Yes. But ultimately, I’m still filming. I’m still creating. I’m just doing it MY way.

Health is something I do not even remotely fuck with. Because if you don’t have your health, you don’t have much.

Which, ultimately, is what I always wanted anyways. I’m an A-type. I like to have full control over everything I do. At core, I’m both an artist and businesswoman. I like to create what I want when I want and on my own schedule. It’s just how I’m wired.

Not only that, but the lifestyle change, like many others, forced me to make some decisions I had been putting off because these decisions meant change. Decisions like leaving LA, which was something I had been thinking of for months before shit hit the fan in March. Who I am at 31 is not who I was at 25. Nowadays all I want is to live somewhere in peace and quiet, off the grid, surrounded by a fuck ton of nature, keeping it all low key AF.

But, much like my decision to move TO LA, I just knew in my soul that it was the right move. I didn’t question myself. Once I know, I KNOW. And I don’t dilly dally. I don’t wait. I don’t ask my friends what I should do to be sure. I MAKE MOVES. 

So, I did. Yes, it was a pain in the ass, as moving is, but it was also SO worth it. I do miss my people, but I’ve also never been more at peace with where I am. I feel settled. I feel at home. Feelings I didn’t have that, as a country girl, living in a noisy, polluted city could provide me with.

On top of that, I also had always wanted to start a blog. I LOVE writing. I love sharing my heart. I love helping people, whether it’s with practical tips or just outfit inspiration. lol. So, I decided. I put in the work (it was a LOT), I made one, and here we are.

A merch store was also on that “back burner” list. So, once again, I decided. Then I got up every day and did what I needed to do to move it forward until it was all done. And, once again, it was a LOT. But I couldn’t be more proud of shopxoalix.com and all the designs from my brain that I brought to life.

Now, with 2021 quickly approaching, I’ve got a blank slate in front of me. But it doesn’t freak me out at all. 

It EXCITES me. 

I’m completely untethered now. No one to answer to, nowhere to be. It’s just me, my wild imagination and deep desire to leave an impact on the world. In a good way.

I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I’m capable of really doing whatever the fuck I want to do, and doing it well. No matter how crazy or out there the idea may seem. 😉

This year has also helped me understand that I have unwavering faith, trust, and confidence in myself and my abilities.

I’m not special. I’m human. I’m just a human with unfaltering determination to do whatever the fuck it takes to get to where I want to go. I don’t leave space for excuses. I either want it or I don’t.

Designing my life on purpose with each moment, one day at a time. It’s a matter of perspective and it’s a matter of choice. When the pandemic first hit, I promised myself that I would use each moment wisely, and that I would use this time to uplevel the fuck out of myself, my life, and ultimately the other humans who are a part of my world.

Is it a lot of work, to choose your own adventure in this game called life, and be completely untethered? Fuck yes. It’s a LOT of work. Not just business-related work, but work on yourself.

Working for myself has been the most intensive self-discovery and personal development journey EVER. It’s uncomfortable AF. It gets messy. It forces to me look at parts of myself that I had tried to keep tucked away, exposing them to light and truth and ultimately vanquishing them. It forces me to check myself every single day and keep myself in line. It’s scary, but it’s also an indescribably rewarding and empowering feeling that can never be taken away.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

The shitstorm of 2020 unveiled to me the truth…that I am the only one who is in 100% charge of my life. I am the only one who will ever fully know and understand what I am here to do. I am the only one who can decide to make that happen. Without explaining myself. Without comparing myself. Without second-guessing myself. Without giving a fuck what anyone thinks.

Blinders up, just going for it, designing with intention every single piece of the puzzle. 

At the end of every year, I always take time to reflect on the year that’s passed. I celebrate my wins. I look to where I can improve, going forward. I get quiet with myself and decide what I want the upcoming year to look like…what I want to create and share. I reflect on the hardships and the lessons learned from them. I appreciate it all…the good times and the bad. Because they’re ALL shaping me into the person I am evolving into…the next-level version of me that just gets better and better.

So, 2020, here’s to you. Here’s to unveiling a LOT of truth to the world. Here’s to the most tumultuous year I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Here’s to the lessons learned, and here’s to the start of a new chapter. Because 2021 is going to be the best yet.