xo, alix

alix lynx, unhinged

I’m in My Chill Era

 

Wow has it been a HOT minute since I’ve written anything on here. Hey, hi, hello!

Wanna know what’s funny?I love writing. A LOT. And I’ve just now realized that I haven’t given myself this outlet in a while now because I’ve been so overly consumed with pumping out content on all other platforms where I know it will be consumed the most – AKA social media, AKA video format. I think I’ll forever be trying to find that happy medium between carving out time for myself to write just because and constantly staying in front of the eyes and ears of the masses in a world that’s full of infinite distractions.

Anyways…

I’ve spent the last couple of days pretty immobile with a gnarly stomach bug, and this is the first day I feel semi-human. During this being unable to physically do anything time, I did a bit of reflecting. Reflecting on who I was, who I am now and how drastically different those two people are. Especially with my new Youtube series, “Behind the Small Screen,” rolling out and having to revisit the past, it’s wild to me how much I’ve evolved and grown over the years, all for the better.

What I’ve learned in my 33 years here on earth is that life is a series of seasons. Like, when I lived in LA as a full time small screen actress from 2014-2020 (and for the billionth time, I am not retired, I just exclusively produce my own scenes now), that period of time was a long ass season of figuring out who I was, what I stood for, what I wanted out of life, and building my business.

I also experienced more of life during that time than I think most people do in their lifetimes, which is why I’m no longer surprised when people call me an “old soul.” I’m a forever student of life, but the wisdom that comes from being in the thick of all the ups and downs…highest of highs and lowest of lows… that life throws your way is a real thing.

Since moving out of LA in 2020 (it’s crazy because when it was time to move there, I just knew, and when it was time to leave there, I just knew) I’ve only continued to become happier and more content with myself and my path.

I’ve realized that it’s because I’ve only continued to learn how to trust myself and my intuition, even if it makes precisely zero sense to anyone else.

It’s because I’ve learned to have full faith and trust in the fact that my path is unfolding for me exactly as it’s meant to, even if it may not seem like it in the moment.

I look back on goals I wanted to reach years ago that I’m just now reaching, and realize that there’s no way in hell I could have handled them in the moments when I thought I wanted them.

I look on relationships that I have now that I wanted forever, and realize that the reason I have them now is because I’m able to fully handle them now with the wisdom and emotional maturity I’ve gained.

I look back on milestones that years ago I wanted to reach so badly, and realize that I didn’t reach them because that rejection was the universe’s way of protecting me from situations that I was never, ever truly meant for, and I am beyond grateful to have avoided getting what I thought I wanted in those moments.

All of this is simply because I’ve learned to love myself fully – not just the upsides, the good stuff, the happy moments, but the parts of me that I’m still working on. The imperfections. The dark places that we all have that I used to deny even existed.

And in this journey, I’ve learned to honor who I really am, and be that person. To follow my joy, and what truly lights me up. To take care of myself. To show up for myself daily, and be the best version of me that I can possibly be. Nowadays, what excites me the most is no longer a huge house party (although I am happy to come out of the woodworks once a year or so for such an excursion). It’s no longer having a VIP table at an exclusive club. It’s no longer traveling somewhere new every single weekend with the intention of escaping a life that I felt just “meh” about. It’s no longer spending copious amounts of money on the latest trendy outfits to only wear once for the sake of validating myself.

Nope, not even close. Nowadays, what lights me up on the daily is working out first thing in the morning. Donating to animal rescue organizations. Working hard, but also working smarter.Walking my dog. Spending time with my loved ones making memories. Only saying yes to things I can truly get behind and want to do. Sleeping 8 hours a night. Curling up on the couch with a good book on my Kindle. Ordering my favorite iced matcha boba latte. Immersing myself in a random forest and/or with my feet in the ocean. Spending an obnoxious amount of time trying out new beauty rituals.

What I’ve learned in my relatively short time here on Earth is this: living your life in full alignment with who you are as a good human with integrity…honoring what you truly resonate with…what truly lights you up at core…that’s happiness. And I’ve come to realize that living a low-key, calm lifestyle with spurts of adventure and fuckery thrown in the mix to keep it spicy is precisely what does it for me.

xo, alix

I’m Uncomfortable Daily

 

 

Real talk: I’ve been uncomfortable pretty much every single day since July of 2020, when I moved out of my bubble in LA to New York, to live in nature and unplug from the daily grind of city life.

Why? Well, from spring of 2014 up until March of 2020 when COVID flipped the world upside down, I had a lot of structure. For someone who enjoys her freedom more than anything, you would think I would run for the hills at the sound of the word “structure.” But actually, it’s structure that helps me continue to build my life on my own terms and allows me the freedom I seek. So while I still have structure now (I live and breathe by my planner), it’s a lot different than what I had in the past, and I’m still getting used to it.

See, when I lived in LA, all I did was shoot. Like, every day. If I wasn’t shooting for a company, I was spending my time shooting my own scenes, whether on a set or at home. This is why I literally own like, 1000 scenes. Creating in the form of filming was just what I did. So I would wake up every single day and might not know what I was going to film, but I knew that I was going to film something, which gave me a peace of mind.

But since COVID life, that all changed. Shoots were cancelled and the world went on pause. This gave me, much like so many other people, a lot of time to reflect on the life I was living. And in that reflecting, I realized that I was simply not the happiest I could be. I knew that there was a life out there for me that I would find drastically more fulfilling. I knew this because a. I’m extremely self-aware and I can just tell b. The last time I made a big decision in my life of that caliber was when I decided to move out to LA to pursue my career, and that same exact “it’s time for a change” feeling was back. I recognized it. So even though part of me was like, “God damn it, not again,” (because let’s face it, the process of moving fucking sucks, especially across the country, not to mention this would be another large lifestyle change for me) there was a bigger part of me that was excited at the prospect of switching gears.

So, as I do, I chose to be excited rather than anxious because my happiness and peace of mind is my priority, so as comfortable as I was in my current situation, I knew deep down that it was not my long-term solution. And once I knew that, I couldn’t un-know that.

I also knew that in deciding to move, that life as I knew it would change. At that point, I had drastically cut back on filming for companies and had been hyper focused on filming my own scenes (I personally love to have full creative control over what I’m filming, who I’m filming with, as well as have the ability to collect residuals from my scenes forever which is something that filming for companies does not offer) so there wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle change for me other than having to travel to film scenes. Which was fine by me.

My decision to move was also based on my desire to live a more calm, “normal” life in the sense that I wanted to be and do more than just adult film. I didn’t want to quit,  but I did want to expand more into different interests and passions of mine, and incorporate them into the world I’m building. Stuff like this blog, my merch, brand collaborations, music and more. I also wanted to be a normal human on the day to day, which was not the vibe I had in LA, where all I was doing on the daily was getting up and being an adult actress. There was a part of me deep down that craved more. More connections with more people that were beyond surface-level. More nature. More fun adventures with friends for no reason other than “just because.”

Needless to say, just as I knew, my decision to move was the right one. I can truly say that I have never felt more at peace with myself and my life the way I do now.

Which is in a way funny, because I can also truly say that I have never felt more anxiety or emotional ups and downs the way I do now. Why? Because since I moved, I have been 100% reliant on myself and my team to continue creating, expanding, and elevating. This is opposed to how I used to be, which was me living and working in a tight-knit community of fellow adult entertainers on the daily. Moving away took me out of the thick of all of that.

It forced me, in a good way, to get really crystal clear on exactly what I wanted out of life, and how I wanted it to look and feel. This is a tricky place to be because I’m the boss. I’m not following any sort of person, blueprint or trail. I’m clearing and creating my own. Which is equal parts bliss and absolutely maddening, depending on the day 😉

Ultimately, the way I feel is that me moving was me being ready to truly grow up and take full responsibility for my life and making it into exactly what I wanted. Since I decided not to follow the typical blue print of a successful adult film star (rather than just going all in on only porn porn porn, it’s just a really fun part of my world), I decided to surrender once and for all to the fact that if I want something, it’s on me (and my team) to figure out how to bring it to life. Which, ultimately, means that almost every single day is unknown.

While I am still structured and have a set schedule of to-do’s on the daily, it’s a whole lot more of putting out small fires throughout the day, waiting on deliverables from people I’ve hired to help me do things like editing, a lot more back-and-forth phone calls with my team, etc. A far cry from my LA self, which was….go to set, come home, sleep, go to set…you get it.

Nowadays, each day is a blank canvas where it’s up to me to decide what I’ll fill it with. Not my agent. Not the circumstances of my schedule lining up with another talent. And while I am wired for this and couldn’t imagine living any other way, that doesn’t mean that I’m not freaked the fuck out sometimes, or that I don’t catch myself in a spiral of “I hope this works,” and/or wondering if I am indeed certifiably insane.

I find that most people greatly fear exactly this. This, being uncertainty. Not knowing exactly what tomorrow will bring. I’m certainly not immune to it. But what I am certain of is that I have grown more as a person and into adulthood more in the past two years than ever before. I am certain that all of the uncertainty that I experience on the day to day has created anxiety up the ying yang for me, but that it’s also made me stronger, more resilient and more trusting of myself than ever. I’m happier than ever before. I’m more fulfilled than ever before. I’m more confident than ever before.

So instead of holing back up in my comfort bubble, I choose to embrace the uncertainty, no matter how comfortable the former may be. Because from what I’ve lived, it’s in the places of uncertainty that I’ve experienced the most expansion into the next-level, best version of myself. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. 

Everything Sounds Crazy Until It’s Done

 

I’m a move forward, never look back kinda person. I’m not nostalgic because I’m busy creating a future that’s even better than the past. But there are certain parts of my past that I will never, ever forget because they serve as reminders as to what’s true and possible.

 

Like, when I decided to quit the 9-5 rat race life FOREVER to be a webcam model instead. LOTS of people in my life thought I was certifiably insane. “It’s not a real job!” I was told. “That’s not sustainable!” “That’s the easy way out!” (as if I want to spend my life doing backbreaking hard shit that sucks, lmao).

 

The list goes on.

 

And then…I did it anyways. I made way more money than I ever had working in the 9-5 world. I also worked WAY harder than I EVER had in the 9-5 world. Anyone who’s ever done a webcam show will tell you…yes, it is a real job and yes, it’s not easy. The good models just make it LOOK easy.

 

Or how about when I decided to drop my life in New York to restart in Los Angeles…doing adult film. Again, I heard the same old feedback from (well-intended) people who couldn’t fathom that this was a possible way to live. “Oh, you’ll be back soon!” “That’s a dangerous, dark industry! You’re too good for that!” [my experience was neither dark nor dangerous] “You’ll never be able to have a REAL job again!!“ (DUH).

 

And then…I did it anyways. I moved out there knowing, like, 2 people, with some boxes of my stuff, and started over. I had some of the best times of my life. I met some incredible people and made lifelong friends. I learned A LOT about myself…and how to run and grow a business.

 

I grew up. I found myself. I built that business that expands every single year. I created the life for myself that I had always envisioned…the one that sounded INSANE to others but made perfect sense to me…(My own list goes on, too. At this point, I’m USED to people calling me crazy).

 

…and ultimately, that’s all that ever mattered. 

 

As long as I believed in myself to the core, I knew I would accomplish all that I set out to. Or something better.

 

And this is possible for anyone. 

 

Never underestimate the power of belief in yourself. People can only believe in you as much as they believe in themselves. If you don’t have a thick skin yet, be mindful of who you share your visions with because you don’t want anyone to stomp them out before they’re born.

 

Just keep your eyes on the prize, blinders up, and decide that you’ll make whatever IT is, happen for you. Then get to work.

 

That’s all it takes.

 

Then, eventually, the same people who called you crazy will ask you how you did it. 😉

 

 

xo, alix